


A Life of her Own

by nanamicide



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Attachment Issues, Diary/Journal, F/M, Identity Issues, Insecure attachment, Jealousy, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:40:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26560789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanamicide/pseuds/nanamicide
Summary: Junko Enoshima's blackmail attempt on Sakakura Juzo has failed. Love has trumped despair. Mukuro has to watch her sister's plans fail, and learn how to live without her and her orders. Yet, she doesn't have any particular likes or dislikes, or things she wants to do.Updates once a week, the day of the update will depend on my uni workload!
Relationships: Ikusaba Mukuro & Naegi Makoto, Ikusaba Mukuro/Naegi Makoto, Kamukura Izuru & Nanami Chiaki, Kamukura Izuru/Nanami Chiaki, Kirigiri Kyoko & Naegi Makoto, Kirigiri Kyoko/Naegi Makoto, Munakata Kyosuke & Sakakura Juzo, Munakata Kyosuke & Yukizome Chisa, Munakata Kyosuke/Sakakura Juzo, Munakata Kyosuke/Yukizome Chisa, the kamunami will only be mentioned
Comments: 160
Kudos: 128





	1. The day her entire world came crashing down

**Author's Note:**

> This ties in with the AU my other fic, Red Butterflies, takes place in. However, you don't need to read Red Butterflies to read this!

Mukuro had never loved, nor cared about despair. The only thing she loved and cared about was her twin sister, Junko Enoshima. Ever since their parents had died in that tragic accident when they were only three years old, she had made her happiness her only purpose in life. Since the strawberry blonde loved despair, it had only been natural for Mukuro to join the Ultimate Despair and help her create the most awful, most tragic, most despair-inducing event in human history. She’d had to do horrible things to make her sister’s maddest wishes come true – things she would never be able to share with anyone around her – but she had no regrets. The smile on her sister’s face whenever she saw another human being fall into despair was the best reward for her. It made her feel so alive, as if she were doing exactly what her parents would have wanted her to do, were they still in this world.

Despite all of this, and regardless of the happy chatter about despair and despair-inducing plans for the future between Junko-chan and Yukizome-sensei, Mukuro couldn’t help but feel uneasy. There was something about the room they were in that made her feel as though something terrible was going to happen today. It was probably because too many people had been getting involved in their secret plans in the past few weeks – she had always felt uncomfortable around strangers, after all.

First it had been Izuru Kamukura, the Ultimate Hope that was artificially created by the academy. Mukuro had understood why he was important for Junko-chan’s plan, so she’d let her be in touch with him in spite of how dangerous he seemed to be. Then, it had been that frail animator boy, Ryota Mitarai. Even though he seemed completely harmless, Mukuro got the feeling that he may bring about their demise. Unlike her, Junko-chan or Kamukura, he had people who cared about him. It would only be a matter of time until these people would be worried about how her sister had turned him into a terrified mess. In fact, it had only taken two days for that to happen. The Ultimate Nurse, Mikan Tsumiki, had been sent after him to help him with health issues. She didn’t seem dangerous either, but Mukuro had known from the start that people would end up looking for her as well, bringing more attention to their activities.

Once again, she’d been right. Yukizome-sensei, Mitarai-kun and Tsumiki-san’s teacher, had come looking for them. Of course, Junko-chan was delighted with all the attention they were suddenly getting. This gave her more people to brainwash into joining their cause, which in turn, made her feel stronger about what would come next. Mukuro wished she could be as confident as her.

“Ah, Yukizome-san,” Junko-chan beamed. “I have to go take care of one of your friends right now. You know, the one who’s totally not in love with your boyfriend or anything. He’s been sticking his nose in my business recently, and I can’t wait to see his strong, manly features turn to despair when I expose his dirty little secret to everyone in the Parade!”

The gyaru took a few steps towards the door and glanced at her sister. Mukuro turned to her.

“Please make sure none of them do anything stupid, idiot,” she spat at Mukuro, leaving the room and slamming the door behind her.

_She’s right,_ Mukuro smiled to herself, _I really am an idiot compared to her._

* * *

When Junko came back, an extra person had joined them. Mukuro had expected her to be furious and call her useless for not managing to keep him out of the room – she had left for a quick bathroom break when he barged in – but she was ecstatic. This wasn’t enough to help Mukuro with the nervousness she’d been experiencing all day, though. She was still feeling as though something bad was going to happen to them today, and that feeling was only growing bigger with every single passing second. Komaeda-kun’s sudden arrival and attempt to rescue his teacher – who had since then left to try and gather some of her students here and make them fall into despair – and classmates had had a completely different effect on Mukuro than on her sister.

The skinny white-haired teenager was saying something about how Junko-chan’s death would be nothing but a stepping stone for hope, and how he was so lucky to have found their hideout. Mukuro was on edge, keeping close watch of him. She couldn’t tell if he was serious or if he was just some of sort of comically stupid lunatic. It was only when he pulled a gun out of his pocket that Mukuro realized that had meant every single word he’d said. Luckily for her, the gun was jammed and he spent a few minutes trying to fix it. If he tried anything else, Mukuro would have time to disarm him.

He was still talking about how lucky he was when Kamukura appeared. Mukuro couldn’t get used to his sudden popping in and out of the places they stayed in. She was never able to tell _how_ and _when_ he arrived and left, and this made her feel unsafe. She knew that if he suddenly decided to do away with her and her sister, she wouldn’t be able to put much of a fight, and she hated that. She hated that Junko-chan had decided they needed him for her plan, no matter how sensible her reasons were. Kamukura was way too dangerous, and what was happening right in front of her eyes was yet another piece of evidence of the fact.

The slender dark-haired figured had swiftly grabbed the gun from Komaeda-kun’s hands and shot him, telling him that he also had what was called ultimate luck. Mukuro gasped as Komaeda-kun fell onto the floor. She had killed people before, but it’d never been so quick and easy.

“Are you scared, sis?” Junko asked her. “Isn’t seeing someone who’s better than you soooo despair-inducing? If he were better at following orders, you’d be completely useless to me now. Not that I really need you, anyway.”

Mukuro wanted to respond, but she knew it was no use. Instead, she kept her eyes on Komaeda-kun who was still… _breathing_? She wasn’t sure how it was possible – Kamukura had shot him in the chest, she’d seen it with her own two eyes – but the boy was still alive.

_Thank goodness_ , she thought. _Maybe things won’t be so bad today. At least we don’t have an extra and unnecessary death on our hands._

The tension she’d been feeling all day began to drop, and she stretched her arms in front of her. They would be okay – they always were. Even though she was always in charge of the dirty work, at least Junko-chan’s analytical abilities always enabled them to get away with things, no matter how bad the mess they had caused was.

Mukuro’s relief was short-lived, though. A few moments later, two men walked into the room. The soldier had no trouble recognizing them – Munakata-san, the former Ultimate Student Council President, and Sakakura-san, the former Ultimate Boxer, had been Investigating the Ultimate Despair ever since they’d organized their very first killing game.

_Wait,_ Mukuro suddenly realized, her eyes widening as her thought process went on, _this means Junko-chan didn’t manage to blackmail Sakakura-san? This means… They know everything. We failed? This is it?_

As her brain processed what was happening, Mukuro’s legs started feeling weak. She collapsed on her knees, a few tears rolling down her cheeks. She glanced at her sister, whose expression had turned into that of a madwoman. Despite their now impeding doom, she still seemed happy, as though everything were still going according to her plan. It didn’t take long for Mukuro to understand that Junko-chan was finally feeling the despair she’d been craving for all these years. Failing meant that _she_ was the one who was falling into despair this time. She was finally getting a first-hand taste of despair, and she was loving it.

“Look at that! It’s the Ultimate I Swear I’m Not Gay and his Ultimate Forbidden Love Interest!” Junko-chan sounded more excited than ever. “What will they do once they take care of the big bad guys? Kiss and fall in love? Of course not, that wouldn’t be despair-inducing enough!”

The two men ignored her provocation and walked towards her, ignoring everyone else in the room. It was clear they’d come for her and her only. Mukuro wanted to move and get rid of them, if only to save her sister, but something within her was stopping her from doing so. If she killed even only one of them, she wouldn’t be able to get away with it. It would have caused her sister more despair, but for the first time in her life, Mukuro thought that this wasn’t what she wanted.

She didn’t want what Junko-chan wanted. She didn’t want to kill anymore. She’d never liked despair. Thus, Mukuro stayed there, silent. She waited for everything to be over, unsure if she would be able to watch more of what was happening. Yet, she couldn’t keep her eyes off the scene, as if her brain was forcing her to witness this – as if this would be of help to her in the future.

Yukizome-sensei had come back in the room, telling Munakata-san something about how she was glad he’d found this room.

_Why is she lying to him? We just brainwashed her, there’s no way she would turn against us so soon – or any time, for that matter. Why is Junko-chan not warning them? Why is she playing along?_ Mukuro wasn’t sure she understood any of it anymore. Hope, despair – it didn’t make much sense to her at that point.

Kamukura took a few steps forward and grabbed Junko-chan, immobilizing her. _He’s… Betraying Junko-chan. I always knew he was dangerous. Ever since we met him, I thought dealing with him was a bad idea. Why didn’t she listen to me? Why do I have to see this?_

“You guys take care of them,” Yukizome-sensei said, referring to Kamukura and Junko-chan. “I’ll protect everyone else.”

Mukuro wanted to scream as the redhead came close to her, but she had no energy to do anything. She had completely given up on everything. The mental strain she’d experienced throughout the day and how she’d been surprised by the turn things had taken had drained her. She didn’t want to do this.

_All I’ve ever wanted was to make Junko-chan happy and I’ve failed. I’ve pathetically failed by doing everything she wanted me to do. She looks so much happier now that she’s about to be stopped. I should have known that the only thing that would satisfy her was making her fall into despair. I was so stupid. I’ve failed her, and our parents. But most importantly, I failed myself. I’ve only given myself one duty in life, and I wasn’t even able to fulfill it. Just what type of soldier am I? What am I supposed to do?_

Mukuro let Yukizome-sensei help her up and get her out of the room. She had no idea what the academy would decide to do with her, but she didn’t care anymore. It wasn’t like there was anything she really wanted to do, anyway. She had dedicated her entire life to Junko-chan, and had done everything in her power to make sure she would succeed no matter how crazy and farfetched her plans were.

Mukuro didn’t have any wishes of her own. She didn’t have any future to look forward to now that Junko-chan would be arrested. That was why it didn’t matter what would happen to her. It didn’t matter what they would do to her because if her sister wasn’t free, Mukuro wouldn’t have anything to do with herself.

As Yukizome-sensei sat her down in headmaster Kirigiri’s office and explained everything that had happened to them, Mukuro cried. She cried and cried and cried for the first time since her parents died. She had no idea what her tears meant, or why she wasn’t able to stop them, but her vision was blurry and her mind unable to follow the conversation that was happening right in front of her. 


	2. The day she found value in communicating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for how slow updates are compared to what it was when I was writing Red Butterflies - I admit I'm not feeling super motivated to write with how tiring and intense university is. However, it's still nice to hear that you guys are waiting for updates and whatnot, so feel free to figuratively kick me in the butt on Twitter (@tetrablaze) or Tumblr (nanamicide), and try to get me to write if I'm not too busy.

The chair Gekkogahara-san had her sit on was strangely comfortable, contrasting with how scared she felt. She had spent the last two days in isolation, completely unable to gather the strength to do anything. She hadn’t eaten, slept, or showered. She’d spent all her time lying in bed, crying every so often. Some people had come to check on her – mostly faculty staff, which didn’t surprise her. Seeing that she wasn’t doing anything, they’d forced her to attend therapy sessions. She had no clue how it was supposed to help her – through her sister’s failure, she’d lost everything she had, even her own identity. Still, they hadn’t really given her the opportunity to say no. Sakakura-san and Great Gozu had violently dragged her out of her room and in the Ultimate Therapist’s office. And here she was, sitting on that plush chair, wishing time would just go by faster. As she didn’t even feel strong enough to run away, she dug her fingernails in her arm, almost drawing blood.

“Ikusaba-chan,” a cartoonish voice called, suddenly filling the room and making Mukuro jump. “I don’t think hurting yourself is going to make anything better.”

Mukuro looked towards her therapist and understood where the voice was coming from. A screen that was attached to her wheelchair was now displaying a white rabbit dressed as magical girl, moving around the device. The soldier couldn’t help but feel annoyed with it. Why wasn’t she directly speaking to her? Was she so disgusted with what she and Junko-chan had done that she couldn’t have a normal conversation with her? Just what type of therapist was she, anyway?

After entertaining the thought for a few seconds, Mukuro decided that she didn’t care. It didn’t matter how Gekkogahara-san felt about her or if she truly wanted to help her. She didn’t want her help, anyway. At this rate, she’d be dead in a few days. There was no point in wasting either of their time.

“You’re right. It’s not going to make me die faster,” she muttered, glaring at the woman who was sitting across from her. Even though it didn’t make any logical sense to her, Mukuro somehow felt angry at Gekkogahara-san.

The sound of keys being hit at a fast space filled the room, soon followed by that artificial voice that made Mukuro grind her teeth:

“You want to die?” The bunny tilted its head to the side.

“What if I do?”

“I would want to know why.”

Mukuro bit her lip, frowning. She knew she didn’t have to play along, but there was something in the way that silly avatar was reacting to her that made her feel like it would be better if she did. She couldn’t tell what it was, but it felt relatively important. Besides, even though the little cartoon character was not real, she had felt some sort of concern in its voice, as though it genuinely cared about her – which frightened her. There was nothing in her to care for nor be concerned about. She was nothing but an empty shell who’d only done evil around herself, and failed the only person she’d sworn to protect. She was pathetic and despicable. She wasn’t someone who was worthy of anyone’s care – not even a magical bunny girl’s.

As she thought about that, Mukuro felt more tears well up in her eyes. She sunk back in the chair, trying to hide her face as she realized she wouldn’t be able to hold them back. She felt weak for crying, and even more so for doing it in front of a stranger. She hated the weak, disgusting mess she’d turned into as soon as things went wrong. And she knew there was no way she could ever snap out of it, which made her dread every single second of her days.

“Is it too hard to put into words?” The bunny asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.

Unable to speak, Mukuro nodded in response. She didn’t know why she was entertaining this, but now that she started, there was no way she could go back to sitting there in silence, hoping the session would somehow end without her needing to say anything.

“I see.” Gekkogahara-san slid a piece of paper and a pen across her desk. “Perhaps it would help if you wrote it down without me interrupting you or asking questions that make you more upset than you are now.”

“Why do you care?” Mukuro asked, blinking back tears as she stared at the blank sheet of paper that had been placed in front of her. “I could have killed all your friends, don’t pretend like you want to help me.”

Gekkogahara-san suddenly took her hands off the keyboard and spoke, catching Mukuro off guard:

“You are partly responsible for the death of my best friend,” she said. Her voice sounded off, as raspy as that of someone who hasn’t spoken in years. Yet, she didn’t sound _angry_. “But I don’t blame you for what happened to him. He loved and cared for her just as much as you did, but he’s not there anymore to experience life free of her influence on him. So, not only is it my job to care about what’s going on in your head, but I also have my own personal reasons.”

Mukuro stared at her, dumbfounded. Given that the person Gekkogahara-san was supposed to have loved Junko-chan, she guessed that she was talking about Matsuda-kun. He and her sister had had some sort of romantic relationship ever since they were kids.

“I was jealous of how much she cried when he died,” Mukuro said, trying to change the woman’s mind. “I wanted her to cry as much for me as she was crying for him.”

“I know what you’re trying to do, Ikusaba-chan. Whatever you may have done or felt because of her doesn’t change anything to me. You are under my care.” She pushed the sheet of paper closer to her. “Now write.”

Mukuro sighed, grabbing the pen. There was no point in protesting or arguing. It was clear that Gekkogahara-san wouldn’t give this up no matter what she told her. On top of that, there was always the chance that whatever she may end up writing could make the therapist realize that her attempts at helping her are futile. So, Mukuro did was she did best – she followed the order she was given.

-

_I have no purpose. There is nothing I want to do now that Junko-chan is dead. She was everything I had left in my life ; the only person who truly knew me. I have no connection with anyone else. My parents are dead. I betrayed my former comrades in Fenrir for her. I don’t think there is anything left for me to do in life._

_Even if there was, I think I would fail whatever task I may pick up. I didn’t get to hear my parents’ last words, but I know that if they could have had even a second to talk to me before passing, they would have told me to protect my sister. I was always the physically stronger sibling, so it would have been natural for them to want me to make sure nothing ever happens to her. I couldn’t even do that. She’s going to be executed because of me, because I let her try to stop Sakakura-san’s investigation instead of silencing him myself. I could have fought and stopped him. I should have done that. I should have told Junko-chan that this was much safer than what she had planned, that I would do what I always did for her – the dirty work. I should have told her that she was too good to even interact with him. I failed. I failed her. I failed my parents. I failed myself._

_I don’t care how selfish this sounds. I don’t care if you – or anyone – think that I should redeem myself and make up for whatever I did for her by staying alive. I don’t even want to redeem myself. I don’t deserve redemption. I don’t have a reason to pursue it, or anything else. Besides, even if I tried to be forgiven for all the horrible things I’ve done in my life, only fools would accept me as I am. I’ve killed, manipulated, hurt and betrayed for Junko-chan, for her despair. No one in their right mind would want to associate themselves with me._

_Now that Junko-chan will be executed, there is absolutely nothing for me to do. My spirit will die with her. It’s already begun dying. There is nothing to save and change. Everything has been taken away from me._

_I don’t even miss what I used to be – I don’t think I have the strength to do so. I just don’t want anything. I don’t want to go back in time, but I don’t want to experience the future. I want to disappear. I’m scared that if I don’t, the grief from failing and the guilt from all the things I’ve done in the past will eat me alive. Yet, I know that if someone invented a time-machine, I wouldn’t do anything any differently. I loved Junko-chan, I’d still do anything for her. That’s another part of why I think I don’t deserve to go on living. I don’t deserve anyone’s forgiveness because I’m not even fully sorry. I feel guilty about what I’ve done, but I don’t regret it._

-

Once she was done writing, Mukuro slid the sheet of paper across the desk, letting Gekkogahara-san read it. It had been quite painful for her to admit all of this, even on paper, and she couldn’t help but feel slightly embarrassed knowing that someone else would read it. Letting herself be so vulnerable around a stranger was a new thing for her. She couldn’t tell if it was the right thing. Despite that, she felt different. She couldn’t exactly describe what putting her messy thoughts in order on paper had done to her, but it had definitely done _something._ Usami’s voice filled the room again, snapping Mukuro out of her thoughts and making her wonder why she couldn’t just _speak_ to her again:

“What you’re feeling isn’t unusual! It’s normal for you to feel like there is nothing left for you to do. Everything you’ve known so far vanished so unexpectedly. It’s okay to be confused and to not know what to do with yourself now, Ikusaba-chan.”

“Why are you telling me this? Aren’t you supposed to help me?” She asked, unable to understand why she was disregarding what she’d written about her guilt and lack of regrets – it seemed to be the most important part about it to her, after all.

“I think it’s time for you to try new things!” Usami winked, pointing her magic wand at Mukuro. “Just like what we’re doing now. Opening up to someone is new to you, isn’t it?”

The soldier nodded. She still wasn’t sure where Gekkogahara-san was trying to go with this, but after all of this, she felt more inclined to listen to her suggestions. It hadn’t actually solved any of her problems, but now that she had gotten them out of her system and was discussing them with another person, she had to admit that her situation felt less overwhelming.

“Now that your sister is gone, this isn’t the only new thing you’ll be able to try.” The bunny’s voice was extremely enthusiastic, and Mukuro couldn’t help but cringe. Sure, she had all these possibilities, but it wasn’t like there was anything she _wanted_ to do, no matter how good venting had felt.

“I… I don’t…” She felt hesitant, questioning her very thoughts. “I don’t want to do this alone. It’s terrifying,” she eventually admitted.

“What makes you think you’re alone? Do you really think people will hold everything you’ve done against you knowing your circumstances?”

Mukuro sighed. She hated to admit that Gekkogahara-san had a point. If knowing her story wouldn’t be enough for everyone, the people who had been under Junko-chan’s influence on that fated day would understand – they’d experienced it themselves. Besides, she knew some people would have an easier time forgiving her and accepting her than others. A week ago, she would have thought about it as a stupid weakness, but today, it felt comforting. She nervously tugged on her sleeves, trying to think of what to say.

“I suppose you’re right.”

“I don’t know if you’re ready just yet, but when the time is right, I’ll make sure to let your friends come visit you if they want to! For the time being, there is one thing I want you to do to make you feel less hopeless and alone.”

“What do I have to do?”

“Since you aren’t too good at communicating, keeping a diary might help you! You don’t even have to let me read it, I just want you to do it for your own sake, regardless of therapy. It can be one of your new experiences. I’ll also be seeing you every two days, so if the diary is useless, we’ll be able to figure something out together.”

“I… Sure, okay,” Mukuro replied, cringing at the thought of keeping a journal. She was the Ultimate Soldier – something like that felt out of character for her. Following orders, however, did not. That was why she would try it in spite of how she felt about it.

“Wonderful!” Usami jumped around the screen, grinning in victory. Gekkogahara-san was fumbling through her desk’s drawers, until she retrieved a black notebook from one of them. “You can use this as your diary.”

Mukuro took the notebook and stood up as the therapist’s avatar notified her that the session was over, and that she should never hesitate to contact her if she ever felt like she needed to talk. The solider curtly nodded and said goodbye before walking out of the room. She had no idea why, but there had been something in what had happened in that office that had awakened some energy she didn’t know she had. Maybe Gekkogahara-san was right – maybe there were many things she could do and maybe she had to live for all the people whose lives had been cut short because of Junko-chan’s orders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed this chapter and that it was worth the wait!


	3. The day she came to terms with her situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's only been a few days since the last update, but I was just assigned a pretty big project due in 3 weeks at uni, and I knew that if I didn't finish and upload this chapter before getting started on the project, I wouldn't have updated on time. I kinda tend to get fixated on whatever I'm working on and to not leave it be until I'm finished with it, and I didn't want y'all to have to wait too long. That said, do not fret! Even though the project is due in 3 weeks, there should still be weekly updates for this fic - I tend to be a precrastinator so I'll be done with it before the deadline. This was honestly just a way to make sure this chapter wouldn't be late because I love y'all and your support means the world to me so I'm trying to give some of that back by not making you wait too long.
> 
> Anyway, enough rambling and on with the chapter!

_~~Dear diary,~~ _

_~~My name is Mukuro Ikusaba and I~~ _

_How do I even start this? I guess it doesn’t matter who I am, or who I address when writing this. What matters is what comes out of this, how I feel once I’m done figuring things out through keeping this journal. I know I probably should have written as soon as I got out of my first therapy session, but I didn’t feel like it. There was so much going on in my head that I couldn’t look at the blank pages of the diary without a certain feeling of dread. I’m not sure how to explain it, but there was something frightening about the emptiness of the pages. I guess it reminded me of me, of how I felt._

_It doesn’t mean that I’ve suddenly stopped feeling empty today, though. This hasn’t left at all – in fact, it may have gotten worse. I just felt the urge to write today, if only to try to ease my mind. I don’t know if it’ll work, but I have nothing to lose._

_They’re going to kill her tomorrow. I’ve known she would be executed since they arrested her, and they told me about the date a few days after – I’m not sure how many. My days have all been looking the same, and everything I’ve been feeling since then made me lose sense of time. This should get better with my therapy sessions taking place every two days. I think it should help me keep track of days, at the very least._

_Anyway, she will be gone for good tomorrow. Today, Sakakura-san came in my room and asked me if I wanted to see her again, telling me that Gekkogahara-san thought it would help me come to terms with what’s happening. I said no, though. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to talk to her again, even with someone else around us. I think it would hurt too much. I don’t know how she’s feeling, but I also don’t want to know about that._

_Deep down, I know she’s happy about what’s happening. I know she’s getting a taste of despair through failing to achieve her goals. I guess I don’t want to have actual proof of it. It hurts to think that by dedicating my entire life to her and making her happy, I’ve prevented her from getting what she always deeply wanted. It’s ironic, isn’t it? And now I’m running away from it. It’s better to pretend that she’s rotting away wherever they’re keeping her, crying as much as I have – somehow, it’s less painful. At least I can keep telling myself I’ve done everything I could for her, and that I’ve only done right by her my entire life._

_But who am I kidding? I don’t even really believe in that. Like I wrote above, I know she’s probably the happiest she’s ever been. I just don’t wanna see it. I don’t have the strength to face her – not when I am so miserable over losing her. I don’t want to have proof that she’s much happier without me. She’s all I ever had. I could have had a much different life if I hadn’t supported her in all her endeavors, and knowing that this doesn’t mean anything to her fills me with awe._

_I’m not angry at anyone for what’s happening anymore. I’m only angry at myself that I didn’t give up on her as a child – I mean, I’m not, but at the same time I am. It’s complicated. I’m honestly quite confused as to how I exactly feel about her. If I’m honest with myself, I know that she would have eventually killed me the way she killed Matsuda-kun – except it wouldn’t have been to make herself feel despair, but to make_ me _feel despair. What I’m trying to say is I know she didn’t care about me and I was just some sort of tool for her to get away with the things she was doing. In that sense, I feel stupid and wish I had realized this much sooner so I could have told her to fuck off. When I think about this, I wish I had stayed in Fenrir and made friends there. But when I think about her as my sister, as the person I swore to protect after our parents died, I wish I could still protect her today. I wish I could do something to make Munakata-san reconsider. So, it’s just hard._

_In any case, she’ll be dead tomorrow, and I’ll be left with myself. That’s also scary. Despite what Gekkogahara-san said about me having so many possibilities, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. And I feel like tomorrow, I’ll really be out of excuses to just be sitting here doing nothing. But still, there isn’t anything I really want to do. Well, I don’t know, really._

_I’ve been thinking a lot about this too, to be honest. And this made me think about the academy as a whole. We’re scouted based on a talent, something we’re super good at. I was scouted as the Ultimate Soldier, but this doesn’t help me. I was always_ her _soldier. And she’s gone, so I have no reason to focus on that anymore. Sure, I’m good at fighting, killing, deceiving. It was part of what I did with Fenrir. It was part of what I did for her. But I don’t think I want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be doing things for other people. I want to do things for myself._

_That… That felt oddly good to write. I guess that even if I don’t know what I want to do, and even if I’m not sure who I really am and who’s going to be there for me, I still have myself._

_Tomorrow, Junko will be dead, and I won’t be there to see it. Because I don’t want to see it. Because I need to protect myself. I need to save myself – I’m all I have._

* * *

“How do you feel now that she’s gone?”

The words kept playing in Mukuro’s head. She wasn’t sure how to answer the question. In a way, it was as though she’d run out of tears in the days after the arrestation – as though she didn’t need to be sad over what had happened to her sister anymore. She sighed, looking up to the ceiling. How was she supposed to explain what was going on in her head?

“I… I don’t know,” she said, her eyes following the fly that was circling around the chandelier. “I don’t feel sad, really. I mean, I do, but not more than I did when we first were separated, you know? Now there is just no way for us to be reunited again, so it feels pointless to cry. I had time to prepare for this. Munakata-san and Sakakura-san were honest enough about what they were going to do. Besides, it’s not the first time I lose a loved one, or that I have to face death. When I was in Fenrir, a lot of my brothers and sisters in arms died. I guess I’m used to it.”

She lowered her gaze to meet Gekkogahara-san’s, feeling slightly embarrassed with how much she’d just said. This was only their second session together, and she was having a hard time believing the Ultimate Therapist had gotten her to speak that much. Yet, she knew keeping that journal had something to do with it. Letting her thoughts out, whether orally or in writing, gave her some sort of relief that she couldn’t get from anything else.

“But isn’t it lonely?”

“Yeah, it is,” Mukuro sighed. “I wasn’t trying to imply that I don’t miss her. I really do, actually. I think I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I’m alone now.”

“It’s confusing, isn’t it?” Usami asked, tilting her head to the side the way she always did when she was asking a question that would be a tad bit more personal than the others.

“Yeah, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about any of this. Still, this helps, really. I’m grateful you’re giving me a bit of your time. I promise you aren’t wasting it at all.”

As she said this, Gekkogahara-san made Usami frown, and Mukuro couldn’t figure out why. It made her feel like she’d said something she shouldn’t have said, and this took away any sense of comfort she’d been feeling since the beginning of the session. She looked down at her lap, bouncing her leg and cursing herself for ruining things again. Everything was going so smoothly, why did she have to say the wrong thing?

“Ikusaba-chan,” the white rabbit called softly.

“Y-yes…?”

“You have to understand that this isn’t about me wasting my time or not. This is about you recovering from everything you’ve been through for the sake of your sister so you can live a normal life. It’s not healthy for you to be worried about how I feel about the progress you are or aren’t making. Everything about this is wholly about you.”

Mukuro looked up at her therapist, confused. She wasn’t sure how to respond to that. She was right, though. There was definitely a part of her that was worried Gekkogahara-san would consider this a waste of time and end up giving up on her – a part of her that wanted to please her so she would stick around. But she didn’t know that was a bad thing. She’d always thought that doing whatever made others happy with her was what she was supposed to do. She’d always assumed that this made her a good, kind-hearted person.

“What do you mean?” was all she managed to ask. She was terrified of what she would hear in response.

“You have to find yourself, Ikusaba-chan! You have to be true to who you are regardless of what you think others want from you. Only then will you really be able to be happy and stop feeling like an empty shell when you lose whoever gets close to you.” There was a pause, and Mukuro was ready to speak again when the Usami’s high-pitched voice interrupted her and continued. “This isn’t going to happen soon, though. You have years and years of conditioning and unhealthy dependency on your sister to unlearn. It isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to take time. But it’ll never feel like a waste of time to me. It is my job to guide you through the many changes you’ll be going through in the upcoming months and years.”

“I… Okay, yes, I understand,” the soldier said softly, even though she didn’t really understand what Gekkogahara-san meant. Sure, she wanted to please her to keep her around, but it wasn’t as bad as what she was saying, was it?

“Good,” Usami replied, smiling and clapping her tiny white paws. “This will be enough for today! Still, I have one piece of good news to share with you today.”

“What is it?”

“Since your sister is no longer a threat to the academy, and given that you have been extremely cooperative with me, you are now free to roam around the academy if you please! The only thing that is off-limits is talking to Mitarai-kun, Komaeada-kun, Tsumiki-chan and Kamukura-kun. I don’t think any of you would end up plotting against the academy, but Munakata-kun seems to think it’s safer if you don’t interact at all. I personally see no harm in this so I had no reason to disagree with the idea.”

Mukuro gave her a small smile. Being able to walk around might help her a little, after all. Staying isolated in her room all day couldn’t be good for her, especially when she used to have such an active lifestyle.

“Does that mean I can go back to class?”

“No, it is way too soon for that!” Usami was shaking her head energetically, keeping her arms crossed against her chest. “This will not be possible for months, but I’ll be sure to let you know when we make the decision to let you be a regular student again.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“Now, now, it is no problem, Ikusaba-chan! I need you to remember that.”

Mukuro nodded and got up, heading towards the door as she said goodbye to Gekkogahara-san. This hadn’t been the easiest therapy session to go through, but knowing that she could go for a walk around campus had definitely lifted her spirits. She would figure out what had scared her so much when her therapist had seemed disappointed with her later, probably through writing in her journal. For now, she only wanted to go on a little stroll and get some fresh air.

* * *

Mukuro had stayed outside much longer than she’d expected. The sun had finished setting and the cold night breeze was hitting her, making her wish she’d brought a jacket. Still, this wasn’t so bad. Most students had retreated back to the dorms, which meant that even though she was out in the open, she was still alone. And she enjoyed that – she’d always had, as young as she had been.

There was something so liberating about walking around in the cold, the only source of light being the moon. In these moments, it didn’t matter to Mukuro what anyone thought of her. There was no one to see her, no one to judge her and tell her how much of a failure she was. She was hidden in the dark, alone, and she felt fine. Even when her sister was still around, she’d cherished these moments.

She eventually sat down on a small patch of grass, crossing her legs. She mentally replayed the therapy session that had taken place earlier and sighed. She still wasn’t able to understand why Gekkogahara-san had reacted the way she had. She should’ve been pleased and happy to hear that she thought therapy was useful, right? So why had she seemed so upset with her when she’d said this?

She closed her fist around the grass, pulling on it. No matter how she looked at it, her therapist’s reaction made little to no sense to her. The theory Mukuro could come up with was that Gekkogahara-san had said this because she didn’t want her to get better – because just like her, she didn’t believe that she deserved to live a good and happy life after everything she’d done. Yet, even though that thought kept popping up in her head, she couldn’t believe it. She wasn’t too good with people, but she could usually tell when they weren’t to be trusted. Gekkogahara-san looked genuine. She wouldn’t be going through all these things just to see her suffer. Mukuro knew it.

She lied down on the grass and closed her eyes, chuckling to herself. Everything she’d done with Junko-chan could have been labelled as crazy, but at least she’d been able to understand it. Now that she was doing things regular people were supposed to do, she couldn’t make any sense out of it.

“How ironic,” she whispered to herself. “Junko-chan may have raised a few fair points in her constant criticism of me. I really am worthless and unable to do things right, aren’t I?”

Despite the harshness of her words, Mukuro wasn’t sad. Instead, she felt… _happy?_ She wasn’t sure if what she was feeling could be qualified as happiness, but she was definitely experiencing something positive, since she found her current situation quite funny, all things considered.

Deciding to not give it too much thought, the solider indulged in the feeling. And she laughed, and laughed, and laughed, until she was breathless, lying down alone underneath the moonlight. Maybe it was hard for her to figure out what was going on around her and what her new interactions meant, but it definitely wasn’t so bad. _Yes,_ she thought. _I may pathetically fail again, but I can finally have fun with things. Maybe seeing me live a normal life from wherever she is now will give Junko-chan even more despair._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcanon is that because of all the abuse Junko put her through, Mukuro has an insecure-ambivalent attachment style (this basically means she is terrified of separation and feels very distressed when away from a loved one which can make her react in irrational ways - it's obviously more complex than this but I'm trying to keep the explanations short and clear). This attachment style makes you try really hard to make your loved ones happy with you through your words and actions, which is why I think she always did everything Junko wanted from her, and why she told Miaya that she wasn't wasting her time with her and that she was making progress (even though she isn't making as much progress as she thinks she is). Miaya obviously caught that, which is why she sorta scolded her. I just thought I should explain this here because it might have been confusing and I couldn't like, be super clear about it when writing from Mukuro's point of view. Would've been easier from Miaya's but I really don't wanna do the whole POV shifts in this fic the way I did in Red Butterflies.
> 
> And yes I keep rambling on and on in the notes and I should shut up lol. So yes, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Again, thanks for all the kudos and comments, they mean a lot to me.


	4. The day she made a friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! I know one of you in the comments had already more or less predicted part of what happens in this chapter, but still, I hope you'll enjoy it no matter how predictable it may be!

Mukuro woke up at 11am that morning. As far as she remembered, she’d never slept in this late before. This didn’t feel too bad, though. She even thought it was refreshing, especially after everything her mind had gone through on the previous day. Besides, it was normal for people her age to wake up late when they had nothing to do, wasn’t it?

Sitting on the edge of her bed, she wondered what she was going to do today. She could have grabbed breakfast in the dining hall of the academy, but she wasn’t too hungry just yet. Plus, it was getting close to lunch break, which meant that by the time she got there, it would be packed with people – something she wasn’t ready to deal with just yet. Sure, her mind felt much clearer than it had in the past few days, but she still wasn’t back to normal. Hell, she didn’t even know what being normal meant for her.

She rubbed her eyes and scanned her room, her eyes landing on her sneakers. _Yes, that’s right,_ she thought, _I could just go on a run to start my day. It would be stupid to let my physical abilities go to waste just because I’m not sure what I want to do with myself just yet._ Mukuro walked into the bathroom. She splashed her face with cold water and looked at her reflection in the mirror. This was another thing she hadn’t done in a while.

She stared at her own face for a while, studying it. She attempted to smile, but ended up chuckling to herself. _I guess forcing a smile would just look ridiculous on anyone, wouldn’t it?_ She shrugged. At least she didn’t feel as bad as she used to. She was able to face herself in the mirror without being reminded of Junko calling her ugly.

 _I don’t even look that bad anyway._ She ran her fingers through her hair and grabbed a hair tie, putting it up into a tiny ponytail. _Sure, I could grow my hair longer, but there’s nothing wrong with the way I look. I’m… I’m just as cute as anyone else in this school._ She touched her freckles and sighed happily, feeling like she would be able to keep the promise she’d made to herself – she would be able to have a normal life, it was just a matter of time.

The sound of someone knocking on her door snapped her out of her thoughts. She wasn’t expecting anyone. She’d seen Gekkogahara-san yesterday for her therapy session, and there was no way Sakakura-san or Munakata-san would have any business with her now, right? She rushed out of the bathroom and quickly got out of her pyjamas to put on a plain white t-shirt and her running shorts, mentally cursing just who it was that was ruining her plans.

When she unlocked and opened her door, she was surprised to see one of her classmates standing there. She couldn’t remember Gekkogahara-san telling her that talking to any of them was okay.

“Um… Good morning, Ikusaba-san,” Naegi-kun greeted her.

Part of her wanted to close the door in his face, but she froze. What was she supposed to do? She didn’t even know if she was allowed to talk to him. He wasn’t part of the people her therapist had told her were off limits, but she still felt unsure. What if he was there to ask her questions? What if he was disgusted with her and everything she’d done with Junko? She wasn’t ready to deal with anything like this. Yet, she didn’t move.

“I… Uh… I know you’ve had a lot happening to you recently and you can’t come to class yet,” he said, scratching the back of his head nervously. “And Gekkogahara-san came to see us and tell us we could visit you if we wanted to, so I thought I’d do it! We can even get something to eat if you want, I’m kinda hungry,” he laughed.

Mukuro felt as though someone had lit her face on fire. She had no idea why she was reacting this way, but she felt quite embarrassed. Naegi-kun was there, kindly inviting her out of her room to get something to eat, and she was just standing there, unable to respond to him. She hadn’t even showered yet.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to, you know? I understand that with everything you’ve had going on you might not be feeling—”

“No, I’ll come with you. Just give me ten minutes,” she hurriedly replied, closing the door and rushing back to the bathroom to freshen up and get ready.

As she quickly showered, threw on her school uniform and brushed her hair, she thought about what Junko would have said if she’d been there. It was almost as if she could hear her, telling her that it didn’t matter how much effort she was putting into fixing herself because she would always be her fat, ugly, smelly big sis; that Naegi-kun was only here out of pity and that no one in their class would be able to forgive her.

She grabbed the door handle and took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. Things would be okay. Junko wasn’t here anymore, so it didn’t matter what she would have thought – because even if she’d been here and witnessed this scene, she would have been wrong. Naegi-kun didn’t pity her. In fact, given all the horrible things she’d done, no one had any reason to pity her.

She opened the door and stepped outside, feeling determined. She could ignore what the nasty, annoying voices that were almost constantly in the back of her head were telling her. She could have lunch with a classmate like any other student at the academy would. She could definitely do all of this, and anything else she may want to do.

“Shall we go?” How enthusiastic she sounded didn’t seem to surprise her classmate, but it sure surprised herself.

* * *

As she sat down at a table across from Naegi-kun, Mukuro’s discomfort grew bigger. She couldn’t tell if this was actually happening or if she was just paranoid, but something in her was telling her that people were staring at her.

“Do you… I mean, do they know what I’ve done?” She awkwardly asked, nervously playing with her fingers and staring at her food.

Her classmate only nodded in response, and it made her feel sick to her stomach. She could only imagine what all of these people were thinking, how scared they would be to see her roam the academy freely.

“Just _what_ have you all been told?”

“Just that Enoshima-san got you involved in… uh…”

“Murder,” she finished. She could tell he was looking for another way to say it, as if there was a way to make it sound any better than what it actually was. “You can say it, I know what I’ve done.”

“I promise no one’s holding it against you, it’s not like you had a choi—”

“But I did,” she protested, suddenly feeling angry. Did this mean he was actually pitying her? Was that why he’d invited her to have lunch with him? “I could have done so many things to not have to follow her orders. I don’t want to be painted as one of her poor little victims.”

“Ikusaba-san.”

She glanced at him, raising an eyebrow. Doing this was much harder than what she’d imagined, and she hadn’t even really expected it to go smoothly in the first place.

“I know,” he said. “I know what you’ve done. Gekkogahara-san explained it to us earlier. She said you don’t regret anything you’ve done. But still, I… I think you could use a friend, you know? I know we’ve never been close, but I never got the feeling that you were a bad person.”

“Did you get that feeling from Junko?” She spat in an attempt to uncover the truth behind his words. She wasn’t sure what to believe anymore.

“You’re right, you’re right, I didn’t,” Naegi-kun replied, chuckling softly. “Some might say I’m a little naïve. Still, even now, I don’t think you’re as bad as they say.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t,” he smiled at her, which somehow calmed her down. “I don’t approve of what you’ve done, but I’m sure you had your reasons. Even when it comes to not regretting any of it, I’m sure you have good reasons not to.”

“Why?”

“I’m not sure.” He shrugged, still smiling at her. “I just try to see the best in people.”

There was something in Naegi-kun’s smile that told Mukuro she had no reason to be wary of him – that she could trust him, regardless of how scared she was to get close to someone. Besides, the way he looked at her made her feel much better about the way everyone else seemed to be staring at them. It was almost as though his bright hazel eyes canceled out everyone else’s. His presence was both uplifting and reassuring – something she’d never experienced around anyone else.

“Okay, I’ll take it,” she replied, smiling at him without needing to force herself. “You seem to know what you’re doing.”

And so, Mukuro let him speak about little things like their classmates and what had been going on in class since she’d stopped attending. And she let herself react to him and what he was telling her, thinking that none of this was bad – that if this was what normal people did on a daily basis, she definitely wanted to be normal.

* * *

_~~Dear diary~~ _

_(I really need to find a good way to start these entries, at some point.)_

_I spent time with Naegi-kun today. It only lasted a couple of hours but it made me feel strange. I had never been able to be honest with someone before. I had never talked about how I had willingly killed someone. I had never felt free to even say it. Now that everyone knows, I guess there are no more limits to what I can and can’t share with others – it doesn’t feel too bad._

_Despite that, the way people look at me stresses me out. I can tell that they’re judging me because of what I’ve done. I can feel the fear in their looks and demeanors because I’ve experienced it before. The only difference here is that I am not about to end their lives or cause them any harm whatsoever. I can no longer just go about my day without catching people’s attention and feeling horrible about it because I know exactly what they’re thinking. That felt pretty awful._

_Naegi-kun was different though. He didn’t seem to be judging me. Even when I spelled it out for him; when I told him I wasn’t just Junko’s victim, he didn’t look at me as if I was about to jump on him and murder him right there on the spot. There were no negative emotions in his eyes. This… This made me feel good. It was the first time since my mom died that anyone looked at me without a hint of scorn or dread, excluding Gekkogahara-san. But it’s her job to be warm towards me – Naegi-kun didn’t have to._

_And yet, he sat and ate with me. The fact he was even able to eat around me shows that he wasn’t feeling uneasy. Many people ended up leaving the dining hall without touching their food upon seeing me. He didn’t. He ate. And I ate, too. I guess it means that we were feeling pretty good around each other, doesn’t it?_

_This is another piece of evidence that Junko was wrong. I’m not just her fat, ugly, smelly big sis. I’m not nothing without her. There is still someone who seems to genuinely care about me, though I can’t figure out why. But I don’t think this matters. What really matters here is that I don’t mess any of it up. If I’m completely honest, I want to spend time with him again. I want to be able to talk to him the way we saw friends talk to each other on our way back. They all seemed happy. I want to be happy like that._

_The funny thing about this is that I don’t think I’m worthy of a second of his time. He’s a genuinely good person who would never hurt anyone. I’m a mass murderer. I wouldn’t have hesitated to kill him if Junko had asked me to. And thinking about this just makes me want to tell him to leave me alone, no matter how much I enjoyed my time with him. I think I’m a little bit lost, here. I think it’s because I still don’t know who I am._

_So who am I? What defines me, Mukuro Ikusaba? Is it the person I was when I was with Junko? Or is it the person I managed to be when spending time with Naegi-kun? Could it also be the person I am when expressing my thoughts and feelings to Gekkogahara-san, or maybe someone else entirely? I don’t know. Thinking about it is scary. It’s scary because I feel like there’s no answer to that question. I just exist, but I don’t know who I truly am._

_I don’t know if the real me deserves to have someone like Naegi-kun care for her. Yet, I know that I want him to care for me. I know that I enjoyed my day today, even if I didn’t do any of the things I had planned._

_But it’s getting late now, and I’m pretty tired. Too tired to even attempt to figure it out on my own. I guess it’ll have to way till tomorrow._

_~~I hope I see him again.~~ _ ~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience in between chapter. I'm trying my best to keep the updates weekly, but I can't really give a specific day of the week during which you should expect one. My uni schedule is a bit hectic and things keep switching up between online and physical classes because the Covid situation isn't getting better where I live (I actually live in the 3rd or 4th most affected city in my country - pretty neat, huh?) so it's just complicated for everyone. Still, I appreciate how patient and supportive everyone has been. I also appreciate all your comments (I really love reading them heh)!
> 
> So yes, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I'll be back with another one sometime next week!


	5. The day she understood the nature of her feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 1000 hits! Here's a new chapter with a fair amount of fluff to celebrate.

Dear me,

I realize this is a weird way to start a diary entry, but since I’m writing for myself and in order to have a clearer picture of what’s going on in my own head, I feel this is fitting. I am writing _to_ myself and _for_ myself.

Anyway, I’ve hung out with Naegi-kun a few more times these past two weeks. It’s been nice and it’s helped with a few things. I guess he had a point the first time I took me to lunch – I was lonely and could use a friend. Now that I have one, I actually fully believe things are going to get better. He’s given me hope, which is something I didn’t even know I needed. He’s similar to the sun somehow – if you’re close to him, he’ll shine his light onto you which will, in turn, make you look and feel brighter.

Yet, as easy as it’s made things, it’s also made things difficult. It’s brought back a few painful memories, and the more I try to think it through, the more confused I am. I haven’t really been able to tell Gekkogahara-san about any of this because it feels embarrassing.

I think I might like Naegi-kun. But maybe I don’t like him. I’m not sure. ~~(That felt oddly good to write)~~

It’s hard to tell what the feeling really is. Part of me thinks I’m just getting a little too attached to him because he’s the only person who’s been kind to me since ~~Junko died~~ my parents died. In that case, the feeling will fade away soon. So, the most logical thing to do would be to just wait it out. But I can’t do that. I know he’s about to come get me so we can go our daily walk – we made them daily occurrences because he thinks it’s good for me to get some fresh air every day. They don’t necessarily last long every time since he usually has things to do with other classmates and classes to attend, but I enjoy all of them nonetheless. It’s… It’s nice to be able to talk to someone ~~. But I think I’ve digressed. I’ll probably digress a lot. This is even harder to write about than it was about Junko’s death.~~

So yes, we’re about to meet up again, and I want an answer before he gets here. I haven’t been acting normal around him ever since these thoughts started popping up in my head, and I’m pretty sure he can tell. No matter how naïve and kind-hearted he may be, he’s not stupid. ~~And maybe I’m being obvious about these things.~~ And I don’t like not being able to open up to him. I started enjoying spending time with him because he let me talk about Junko, and about all the doubts I’ve had – and because he’s been able to reassure me in ways Gekkogahara-san couldn’t. No offense to her, of course. She’s doing a great job with me. But there is something about Naegi-kun’s warmth that just makes things different and so much better for me.

But it’s not only that. Like I wrote earlier, this is also bringing back some pretty painful memories. I never thought I’d write about this, but here goes: Junko used to tease me about having a crush on Naegi-kun. I never took it really seriously. I just thought it was her being ridiculous and trying to hurt me. Besides, there was no space in my head for such feelings back when she was still alive. I was dedicating my entire being to _her._ There was no way I could have liked Naegi-kun. And yet… And yet Junko, on top of her ultimate fashionista and ultimate despair talents, had ultimate analyst talents. She used to tell me about how frustrated I was with how much time Naegi-kun was spending with Maizono-san and Kirigiri-san. She had also pointed out that I sadly looking at him hanging around with the rest of the class while she and I were trying to find out more about the Kamukura project. There’s been other comments like this that I can’t seem to remember now. But it doesn’t matter. My point is that even though I didn’t think much of it back then, she might have been right. Wouldn’t it be ironic that she’d be right about the one thing I didn’t believe but wrong about everything I believed?

Still, it’s confusing. It’s confusing because I have no idea how these relationships are supposed to work. The only example I have of these is what was going on between Junko and Matsuda-kun. And I don’t think this was a good example of what this type of relationship is supposed to be. Maybe it was when we were kids, but the more I think about this, the less I am sure. The other day, Sakakura-san brought me a box with her belongings, and let’s just say I’ve found out some very hurtful things by digging through them. But this is something to be discussed in therapy, though. Not here. I don’t wanna think about them when I’m alone. They are things that are genuinely emotionally heavy.

So yeah, I guess I could take my parents’ relationship as an example, but I barely remember it. They died when I was too young. Besides, they both were very hard-working people, so as far as I remember, I barely got to see them together, let alone affectionate or anything like that.

It’s also confusing because I can’t tell how Naegi-kun feels about me. I honestly think he’s just being friendly towards me, just like he is with everyone he knows. On the other hand, it’s hard for me to imagine that anyone would hang around with a murderer just because they want to be friendly. There has to be something more to this. Otherwise, this doesn’t make sense. ~~But this is probably wishful thinking.~~

The truth is, even if I do like him, he probably doesn’t like me back. He’s been telling me a lot about Kirigiri-san. There has to be something going on between them. For all I know, she might be telling him to be friends with me as part of some sort of investigation at Munakata-san’s request. This would actually make more sense. And I would fully deserve that.

Which brings me to my next point – even if I did like him, and he did like me back, I wouldn’t deserve this. Not after everything I’ve done to other people. And especially not considering what a wonderful person Naegi-kun is. I don’t even think I deserve all the time he’s been giving me lately. So, for him to reciprocate romantic feelings I may feel towards him? Yeah, that just wouldn’t be right.

So this is it. This is what has been taken up most of my brain for the past two or three days. And I haven’t been able to shake it off. Not even for a damn second. I’m starting to think I should have talked to Gekkogahara-san about this instead of keeping it all to myself. But it’s just… It hurts. It’s not like me to feel this way over someone else. So this feels… Flustering…? Frustrating? I’m not sure. All I know is that regardless of how much I enjoy being with Naegi-kun, there is something about it that is arousing something _new_ within me.

And it sucks. It also sucks thinking I just spent thirty minutes trying to write this without being able to come up with a conclusion. It sucks that Naegi-kun is gonna knock on my door in five minutes and I won’t know how I feel yet.

~~I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.~~

I’m such an idiot. Just who do I think I am, whining like this over such a mundane thing? I’ll finish this when I come back. I can’t be wasting any more time.

* * *

Mukuro quickly got off her chair to put her shoes on, leaving her journal open on her desk. She figured that didn’t matter anyway – no one would be walking into her room to read it. She rushed to the door and unlocked it, feeling her heart thump in her chest. This had become quite a regular occurrence whenever she thought about Naegi-kun, which always grew in intensity when she was about to see him. Anyone with a normal childhood would have no doubt as to what she was experiencing and feeling towards him.

“Good afternoon, Ikusaba-san,” he greeted her as she stepped outside.

“Hey, Naegi-kun.”

She smiled at him, and the two of them walked towards the spot where they usually hung out. It wasn’t anything special, but Mukuro had grown to enjoy it. It was a small patch of grass behind the main building of the academy, which meant that it was relatively secluded compared to other places on campus. Besides, with the way Naegi-kun usually leaned against the wall when they were sitting, the sun always ended up hitting his big, bright hazel eyes when the clock struck five – that was Mukuro’s favorite part of it all. She wasn’t too sure why – although this was obvious to anyone who walked past them – but there was something about the golden hue the sunlight added to them that captivated her.

Mukuro sat across from Naegi-kun as a soft breeze hit her face, cooling her down. She crossed her legs and rested her hands on her knees, glancing at her classmate. He was always the one to start the conversation. She often wished had the ability to do it herself, but she always felt too nervous and awkward. After all, she had never really had any normal interactions with other people after her parents had died. Sure, she had had to pretend to be friends with people in the past, especially when she was still in Fenrir, but pretending had been much easier than being genuine.

“How was your day?” He asked her, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Not much happened. I’ve mostly been wondering what I’m supposed to do with Junko’s belongings.” She frowned. Talking about her sister, especially to Naegi-kun, felt wrong. Besides, she didn’t want to burden him with that. She hadn’t even gone through all of them because of how painful it had been.

“It must be hard… I mean, I can’t pretend like I know what you’re going through because I’ve never lost anyone close to me but like, I can’t imagine this being easy. Especially since, well… Y’know.”

“Since she’s the reason most people at the academy hate seeing me walk freely?”

Naegi-kun nodded in response, chuckling. There was something about how happy and carefree he seemed at that moment that made Mukuro’s heart skip a beat. She couldn’t grasp just how he could _accept_ her like this and believe in her growth. She knew he didn’t condone what she’d done in the past, but his ability to fully believe that it all was in the past made her heart soar.

“You’re right, it’s not always simple,” she admitted. “But I think I owe it to people like you and Gekkogahara-san to deal with it.”

“Do you mean that?”

“I think so,” she said softly, blushing as she felt him stare at her. “Is it wrong?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I think Gekkogahara-san is better suited to answer this type of question. But I guess it means you care, and I can’t say I’m unhappy about that.”

He flashed her another smile and Mukuro swore her heart melted at that moment. She couldn’t believe what he’d just told her. She pinched her thigh lightly, if only to make sure she was actually awake.

_Naegi-kun is… Happy with something I’ve said?_

She smiled back and thanked him before asking him about how his day had been. As he went on about how awful his physical education class had been because of how excited and energetic Asahina-san was, Mukuro thought about her sister.

_I’m able to make someone happy and to enjoy their company, does that make you despair, Junko?_

* * *

Dear me (again),

I supposed it’s pointless pretending like I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I clearly like Naegi-kun. I think I just didn’t want to admit it when I was writing earlier, because I feel like I don’t deserve any of this. By any of this I don’t mean that he likes me back or anything like that, but that I don’t deserve what he’s been giving me so far. So why would I deserve, or even want, something more than this?

And yet, I do. It feel stupid to say, but I want to spend more time with him. I want to get closer to him. He makes me feel good about myself in ways I didn’t think were possible for me. I like listening to him talk to me. I like it when he laughs. I like it when he makes me laugh. Now that I think about it, I hadn’t laughed in so long…

But despite all of this, it’s obvious that he’s too good for me.

I hate to admit this, but if it hadn’t been for Junko, I probably would have been worthy of his time. Hell, I might have confessed to him already, if Ultimate Despair had never been a thing. I guess that even in her death, she still gets to make me despair.

Well, I don’t know if I’m despairing right now, but feeling unworthy of someone and the knowledge that one has very little to no chance of being with the person one likes are part of the things she used to used to drive people to despair. Now I understand why she kept pointing out all the signs of my feelings towards Naegi-kun.

And my heart aches. Again. And I won’t even be able to bring this up in therapy because I’m so embarrassed about this. What type of Ultimate Soldier am I if I develop feelings for the first boy who gives me more than five minutes of attention?

I’m the Ultimate Pathetic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as you've noticed, I changed the formatting for the diary entries. Now that they have some sort of heading to them, I don't feel like putting the text in italics is necessary. Still, lemme know if it was better when they were in italics or if this is fine. I admit I know little to nothing about formatting anything that isn't an academic paper, so please bear with me lol.


	6. The day she decided to face her insecurities and fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter doesn't seem too rushed and that the editing isn't sloppy. Having to stare at my laptop screen all day every day is giving me headaches and making my eyes hurt - your girl needs glasses and won't have an appointment with an eye doctor until January because they're all fully booked. So yeah, please be kind if I've left any typo or other mistake in the chapter. I've been staring at the screen for more than 8 hours daily because of university and online classes, after all.

Dear me,

So, this is it, isn’t it? My entire life until a month ago was one big lie. I can’t say I didn’t expect it. I can’t say that I haven’t known this all long. But admitting it hurts. Having to talk about it, and come to that conclusion, even though Gekkogahara-san was there to support me along the way, hurt like hell. I don’t think anything had ever hurt me in such a manner before. It really cut deep – as if I was on the battlefield and some skilled soldier were stabbing me repeatedly, making sure to not hit any organ that would cause my death and wanting me to suffer with each and every hit.

I don’t know if I can recover from this. I feel like I have to, but it isn’t easy. It doesn’t help that I’m too much of a coward to open up to Naegi-kun about this. It doesn’t help that I still don’t feel like I deserve to spend time with him. It doesn’t help that I’ve been watching him get closer and closer to Kirigiri-san while the voice inside my head is screaming at me to just tell him already.

Still, that’s not the worst part about any of this – I don’t feel like it’s right for me to get so hurt over things. After everything I’ve done with Junko, I deserve all these things. It doesn’t matter that Gekkogahara-san says I have circumstances that can explain my past actions. It doesn’t matter that Naegi-kun thinks there is some good in me and that I will be able to redeem myself sooner or later. I killed people. Many people. So many that I can’t even remember all their names. They were never people to me. They were obstacles in Junko’s way – obstacles that needed to disappear. And I made them disappear.

So what if Junko killed our parents? So what if she never loved me? So what if everything in her belongings is just extra proof of the fact that there was nothing that she loved more than despair? So what if, somehow, she was always like this? So what if I let her kill the only person who had the means to save her and was actively trying to do so? I can’t suddenly have feelings after everything I’ve done for her. My pain isn’t legitimate.

And yet, I am hurt. I am so hurt that I’ve been ignoring Naegi-kun for the past three days. Yesterday he slipped a note under my door saying he was worried about me, which made me feel even worse. Why on earth would anyone be worried about me? I’m not worthy of any of this. I’m not even worthy of receiving therapy. I’m not worthy of writing in this journal. Because at the end of the day it’s like, boohoo, poor Mukuro, she’s sad because she finally became aware of her sister’s true nature, but at the same time she enabled all of it! She was plotting and working with the one who was responsible for her parents’ death!

Poor little Mukuro, the guy she likes likes someone else, but she would have killed him without a second thought if her sister had asked her to.

This is pathetic, isn’t it? I keep saying that I shouldn’t be hurt over any of this, and yet I keep whining here. I keep whining instead of living my life the way I promised Gekkogahara-san I would during one of our first sessions together. I keep whining instead of doing what I owe all the people I murdered in cold blood, without even feeling any regret.

So here I am. I have no idea where to go from here. Gekkogahara-san suggested I grieve as much as I need to, but as I’ve been saying the whole time, and even though I can’t stop myself from doing it, it doesn’t feel right. So, I want to stop, regardless of what she thinks I should be doing. I understand that she’s an expert and all that, but after all the consequences me just following someone else’s orders have had, I no longer want to just listen to people.

I guess I want to regain some sort of control over my life, but I feel as though I have none. I can’t stop myself from being sad even when I feel it’s not legitimate. I can’t confess to Naegi-kun, even though this would be my one chance to stop him from getting to close to Kirigiri-san and make him see me as something different than the girl who needs a friend and a lot of support. Hell, I can’t even stop myself from liking him when I believe I do not deserve to be with him. I can’t really do much. All I can do is just sit around and feel sorry for myself. I don’t really enjoy it. I don’t enjoy it at all, actually.

Truth is, there is something I could do. In the note he slipped under my door yesterday, Naegi-kun invited me to a picnic that’s taking place tomorrow. Apparently, all our classmates will be there too. Meaning it won’t just be the two of us. Meaning it might make things even worse than they already are – but you know what? I would deserve that.

Still, I won’t go if I’m still feeling the way I’m feeling right now. I know they will ask me questions about Junko, and given the current state of things, that’s terrifying. I don’t want to have to deal with people judging me for siding with the person who murdered my parents. I don’t want to have to explain what I’ve done for her. I don’t want to see Yasuhiro-kun’s and Asahina-san’s faces turn a ghostly white when I talk about how I’ve murdered people.

I don’t want to have to tell them we had come up with an awfully specific plan that would have ended with them mutually killing each other. I don’t want to have to tell them that I was so stupid I thought Junko would have never thought of murdering me. I don’t want to admit that I enjoyed doing all these things with and for her because it made me feel useful to her – because it made me feel like she would always been there for me; like she actually liked and needed me just as much as I liked and needed her.

I don’t want to have to say these things in front of Naegi-kun. He’s never asked me any such questions, and I don’t think he imagines what my answers would be like. If he heard these things, he would probably never want to talk to me again. I would understand that, but I wouldn’t want it, regardless of how much I would deserve it.

It’s all so conflicting and confusing. No amount of talking and writing and having therapy sessions about it can change that. I’m starting to understand that things are never truly black and white, no matter how much Junko pretended they were. It’s never hope against despair. It’s hope and despair together. Just like it’s me knowing I have no right to be depressed while also being depressed; me wanting to be with Naegi-kun while knowing I don’t deserve him; me not wanting to lie and deceive anymore while understanding that it may be necessary for me to be able to have the normal life I crave.

I don’t hate Junko. I never did. Regardless of everything she’s done, I can’t bring myself to hate her. I feel like some people expect me to do it, but I can’t. I think that’s also part of things never being fully black or fully white.

* * *

Mukuro hurriedly closed her journal as she heard someone knock on her door. She still wasn’t feeling good, but something about what she had spent the past thirty minutes writing made her feel as though she had the strength to face people. Besides, part of her was hoping it would be Naegi-kun, even if the note he’d given her yesterday read that he would leave her alone today, and that he understood that things could be rough for her.

Her eyes widened as she opened the door and saw Sakakura-san stand there in the rain. She’d never had any pleasant interactions with the man – Mukuro understood that he resented her for the things she’d done for her sister – but something about the look on his face made her feel as though today wouldn’t be entirely bad.

“You need to come with me,” he spoke dryly. “Munakata-kun wants to see something.”

She raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth to ask a question, but the Ultimate Boxer cut her short.

“You’ll find out what this is once we’re there. I can’t tell you more than this. Some people may overhear us, and this would be bad.”

She nodded and followed him outside, thinking that she had nothing to lose. Of course, since he couldn’t tell her anything about what he needed her for in public, this meant that this was something related to with the Ultimate Despair – implying that whatever Mukuro would have to do wouldn’t be easy for her to go through. Yet, she found some sort of hope in it. If she could do what Munakata-san and Sakakura-san expected from her, she would definitely be able to face her classmates tomorrow.

Her determination somehow fell short as she noticed that Sakakura-san was injured. The rain and the clouds had made it difficult for her to make out his face when he was standing at her door, but now that they were walking by different sources of artificial light, she noticed a few bruises on his face. She wondered what had happened to him and if this was related to what he needed her for. She hoped not – she didn’t want to be a brainless soldier whose only purpose was to fight anymore.

The two of them eventually walked in the faculty staff’s building. As they paced through the hallways, Mukuro’s heart began to beat faster and fast.

_This is going to be bad._

Sakakura-san led her to the underground floor. She wasn’t sure how her legs were moving anymore. She knew exactly who was hidden in this part of the school. And she absolutely did not want to see him again.

A few more doors were opened and closed, until they finally reached that same room where she’d first seen him. And he was sitting there, just like he had been on that day. The room also looked the exact same. The only differences in the setting were Sakakura-san’s and Munakata-san’s presences, as well as a few weapons that seemed scattered around the room.

_Did they bring me here so he would kill me? Is that… Is that their way to get rid of me?_

Mukuro’s hands were shaking, but none of the three men around her noticed. Well, _he_ probably did, given that he had all the talents in the world, but he didn’t say anything about it. He just blankly stared at the wall behind her and Sakakura-san, very much like he had when she’d first met him with Junko.

She attempted to steady her breathing and calm herself down the way Gekkogahara-san had taught her during one of her therapy sessions. Still, her breathing got heavier and heartbeat faster than it had even been.

_What’s happening to me? Am I… Am I scared of him? Is this normal? Why can’t I relax? I’m… I’m safe, right? The headmaster is here, there’s no way he’d let anything bad happen to me. He could have executed me along with Junko, so why would he set this entire thing up now?_

“Ikusaba-san,” Munakata-san started. “We are testing Kamukura-kun’s abilities. You and Sakakura-kun are the only members of the academy who know about his existence and have a fighting talent. He’s already beaten….”

Mukuro tried to focus on the headmaster’s voice, but she couldn’t. She was feeling as though her brain and body were shutting down. Her legs felt weak – as if they’d suddenly turned into cotton – and her mouth felt incredibly dry, but this was nothing compared to the weight on her chest that made her feel as if she couldn’t breathe.

She tried to visually scan the room, but her eyes refused to move. They were glued to _him_ ; to the crimson red eyes who were staring back at her, as if the rest of the room had ceased to exist – as if they had both travelled back in time to that day where he’d hurt Junko.

As she collapsed onto her knees, the only thing she could hear was his deep, ominous, and monotonous voice:

“She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. How boring.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the chapter! I'm not promising anything, but since I'll be off university for a week next week, I might be able to upload two new chapters instead of one, depending on how productive I am during that week.


	7. The day she felt fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really happy with the content of this chapter for some reason. It was really fun to write, so I hope you guys have just as much fun reading it!   
> My eyes still aren't fixed (which means that I still get headaches when I stare at the screen for too long), so I apologize in advance for any typo I've left in here when editing the chapter.

_She is having a panic attack._

Mukuro blinked, trying to figure out where the voice that kept repeating these words was coming from. She knew Sakakura-san had brought her somewhere less than an hour ago, but for some reason, she couldn’t quite make out what had happened since then. Whether her eyes were closed or open, all she could see was a bright shade of red, surrounded by darkness. Other than the voice, the only thing her ears seemed to be registering were their own ringing.

It wasn’t only that, though. Breathing was extremely complicated, and her muscles didn’t seem to be responding anymore. She knew she was kneeling on the floor, but she couldn’t get up, no matter how many times she tried. It was as though her body no longer belonged to her.

_Because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence._

She tried to focus on the voice – on what the words could mean, but even that escaped her. Was it even directed at her? Mukuro didn’t know anymore. She didn’t know anything, as if she weren’t really there. Was she dreaming? Was she dead? She had no way to tell, and this worried her. She wanted to scream – scream for herself to snap out of this; scream for someone to save her. Regardless of what was happening to her, it couldn’t be right. That was the only thing she was convinced of.

_She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence._

Her chest felt abnormally heavy, making it hard for her to breathe. Still, whatever was now supporting her was softer and more comfortable than the floor. It gave her the impression that she was floating, as if up in the air. Despite that, she still couldn’t breathe properly.

_She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence._

Her head was pounding, the pain getting gradually intense along with the urgency and speed of the voice.

_She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my exi—_

The red slowly began to fade away, until everything went black.

* * *

When she opened her eyes again, Mukuro had no idea where she was or how she’d arrived there. In spite of that, she was grateful for the fact that she could make out what was around her. Besides, it seemed like she had regained control over her senses and body, which reassured her. She let out a deep, content sigh and closed her eyes again. She was safe. Whatever had happened to her hadn’t killed or harmed her.

“Ah, you’re finally awake, Ikusaba-san. I was so worried!”

She rubbed her eyes and turned to him, having a hard time believing he was there.

_If Naegi-kun is here, it means that he was around when it all happened to me,_ she thought, trying to piece her memories together. _It doesn’t make any sense, though. Last thing I remember is walking with Sakakura-san. There’s no way he’d have taken me to Naegi-kun._

“What am I doing here?” she asked.

“Gekkogahara-san told me you passed out during a training session with Sakakura-san,” he explained. “You really should take it easy, after everything that’s happened to you, y’know?”

She smiled back at him and nodded, attempting to hide the fact that she knew there was something about what he’d just told her that didn’t add up. She had never trained with Sakakura-san before, and even if that’s what he’d come get her for, they wouldn’t have needed to go to the faculty staff building. No, there was something weird about what had happened to her, and it probably was something that only she and a few others could know.

“Ikusaba-san, what’s wrong?”

“I think I’m just tired. I guess you’re right when you say I should take it easy,” she lied, hoping it would be enough to stop him from asking any more questions. She didn’t know what any of it was about, but she got the feeling that getting him involved with whatever it was would cause more harm than good.

He stepped closer to the bed and rested his hand on her shoulder. In spite of everything that was going on in her head, Mukuro felt her cheeks get warmer and her heart start racing in response.

“Well, I’ll let you rest then. We’ll reorganize the picnic with everyone else whenever they let you out of here,” he said warmly, smiling at her.

“Okay, sure. Thank you.”

Her voice was weak, but it had nothing to do with the mental and physical fatigue she was currently experiencing. No, it had everything to do with how vulnerable Naegi-kun made her feel. Despite this vulnerability, she didn’t feel threatened or like he would be causing her harm. She felt _safe._ It was just a shame things were so different whenever they weren’t in the same place.

She took a deep breath as waved goodbye and gently shut the door behind him. She still wasn’t sure why she was here or what had happened to her, but she felt fine. She was aware of the fact it wouldn’t last, but for now, she was happy. Naegi-kun had been waiting by her side for her to wake up. This meant that he had been worried about her. This meant that he cared. But most of all, this made her feel good.

For a few minutes, it didn’t matter to her that he was so close to Kirigiri-san and that he usually talked a lot about her. Her own insecurities about whether she was good for him had disappeared. Not only that, but the sketchy things going on in the academy had also stopped existing. Naegi-kun cared about her. Nothing else mattered.

It really was a shame that she couldn’t feel like this for more than five minutes at a time. It also didn’t help that Gekkogahara-san opened the door without knocking, bringing her back to reality. Hopefully, this wouldn’t be too painful, and she’d finally find out the truth about what had happened before she got here.

“Good afternoon, Ikusaba-chan,” Usami’s voice greeted her. “I’m really happy to see that you’re doing better than last night!”

_Last night? I don’t remember seeing Gekkogahara-san last night,_ Mukuro thought as she sat up. _Is she the one that brought me here?_

“You don’t remember what happened, do you?”

Mukuro shook her head. Truer words had never been spoken about herself, as far she knew. She didn’t have a single clue as to why she’d woken up here. Still, this didn’t worry her that much. She trusted Gekkogahara-san. She knew that the fact she was bringing it up meant that she would be telling her the truth.

“Is… Is something wrong with me?”

“No!” Usami protested, crossing her arms and pouting. “I didn’t expect you to remember any of it. It’s your brain’s way of protecting you.”

“Why can’t you just tell me what happened instead of… of going on about this. I don’t really care _why_ I forgot what happened. I want to know _what_ happened.”

“You’re going to have to be patient.” The bunny started to move its magic stick in circles. “I don’t want to reactivate your trauma; it wouldn’t do you any good!”

_Trauma._ The word began to echo in Mukuro’s head, as though she’d heard it recently – as though it was extremely important in regard to what she was discussing with her therapist. In spite of that, she couldn’t make out why that was. She frowned.

“That doesn’t mean you’ll never remember!” The artificial voice said, snapping her out of her thoughts. “We’ll be doing different exercises to help you remember and process the trauma.”

As she heard these words, Mukuro felt her stomach turn. They felt so familiar and yet so foreign, and that sensation was disturbing her.

_Trauma._ Mukuro’s breathing suddenly got heavier.

_Process the trauma._ She felt her heartbeat get much faster. It was another feeling that felt familiar and foreign at the same time. She hated it.

_Process her trauma._

“Oh god,” Mukuro muttered, realizing that the voice was back. She had forgotten about it until then, but now that she remembered it, there was no way to get it out of her brain.

_She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence._

She gripped the bedsheets tightly, attempting to keep herself grounded. She did not want to slip away the way she had when she’d first heard these words. It didn’t matter who had said them. It didn’t matter why she’d been so scared of them. She had to be strong this time. She had to face it.

Gekkogahara-san, who had moved closer to the bed without her noticing, wrapped her hand around her arm and gave her instructions on how to steady her breathing via Usami’s voice. She followed the orders without thinking about it, enjoying the little bunny’s voice more than she had ever had. It was much friendlier than the one she’d been hearing.

A few minutes passed, and Mukuro was back to normal. She looked at the screen and realized that Usami had taken a frustrated expression, as though something was bothering her. She hoped that it had nothing to do with what had just happened to her. She didn’t get any type of clue as to what it was, though. Instead, Gekkogahara-san had her avatar ask her if she could tell her about what had made her so distressed.

“I heard a voice,” she said. “It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Am I going crazy?” Mukuro asked, burying her face in her hands. She didn’t feel like crying, but she felt exhausted. There was nothing enjoyable about the situation she was in – she felt like she had no control over anything that was going on in her own head.

“No, it’s normal. You will need time.” Mukuro looked at the screen again and noticed that Usami looked like she was lost in thought. “This isn’t a very conventional method but—”

“Tell me.”

“That’s what I thought. You want to know, don’t you? Besides, I wasn’t there when you saw him and Sakakura-kun and Munakata-kun weren’t able to give me enough details about what had happened for me to be able to identify any of your possible triggers.” She paused, bringing a paw to her chin. “Yeah, if you’re okay with it we can try it the hard way. I wouldn’t recommend it, though.”

“I just want to feel normal again.”

There were a few minutes during which neither of them spoke. Mukuro hoped that despite her hesitations, Gekkogahara-san would tell her what had happened to her. She didn’t care if it was going to make it hard for her to breathe again. She needed to know at this point. It was the only way for her to get rid of all the confusion and questions.

_If only Naegi-kun never left, this would be of no importance to me right now. That’s right,_ she told herself, _I need to have this figured out so I can tell Naegi-kun that we should have that picnic with our classmates already. Then, I’ll confess to him. I’ll tell him how I feel, and everything will be okay._

“Please, Gekkogahara-san” Mukuro pleaded. “I have to know what happened.”

The therapist lowered her scarf and placed her hands on Mukuro’s back, who jumped at the unexpected touch. She didn’t mind, though. At least she would have both her physical and psychological support – she understood very well that she would need it.

“Do you remember,” Gekkogahara-san started, the sound of her voice surprising Mukuro, “Kamukura Izuru?”

Mukuro saw a flash of piercing crimson red eyes staring at her in the darkness of what looked like a small bedroom. Warm tears began to roll down her cheeks as the rise and fall of her chest became faster.

How could she forget the one who was the reason why all these things were happening? How could have her brain shut down the memory she had of the one who had led her sister to her death? How could she have not realized that the voice had belonged to him – the one who had ultimately changed her life?

She cried, choked, dug her fingernails into her arm. Yet, this wasn’t as bad as when she’d seen him. Gekkogahara-san was right there, giving her instructions to regain control on her breathing and heartbeat. The room was also brightly lit, which helped her focus on everything that was around her.

“I can’t believe I’m so scared of him,” she eventually sobbed. “I… I’m supposed to be the Ultimate Soldier, but he terrifies me.”

“That’s alright,” Gekkogahara-san reassured her. “We’ll work on that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if anyone's disappointed by this, but Mukuro will not be fighting Izuru just yet! 
> 
> I hope to have another chapter out this weekend. I've been advancing pretty smoothly when it comes to my coursework so I should be able to make it. If I don't, then I'm sorry! I didn't check how many hits and kudos we've reached at this point, but please know that I am grateful for every single one of them. Your comments are also highly appreciated.


	8. The day she saw good in herself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE IS A SUPER DUPER LONG A/N (lol):   
> First of all, I am really sorry for not being able to post a second chapter last week. I'm not saying this so you guys will pity me or anything, but my cat got sick, which kinda stopped me from studying as much as I needed to, so I wasn't able to start writing anything until today.   
> Second, I'm sorry I didn't respond to all your lovely comments. It's definitely been crazy with my cat being sick (and my country going on a second lockdown which made me pretty anxious, if I'm being honest) and I kept delaying the moment I'd take time to respond, which turned into me never doing it. But I did read them, so here's a thank you to everyone who commented.  
> Third, if you've updated one of your fics (that you know I read because you usually get comments from me) in the past week and I haven't read or commented on it please, please, do let me know so I can catch up on all of this because I truly enjoy your work! It's legitimately just been so crazy that I lost track of where I was in everyone's fics  
> In any case, here's a new chapter which was definitely interesting to work on! I hope you guys enjoy it :)

Mukuro had set two simple goals for herself: attending the group therapy session Gekkogahara-san had suggested during her last therapy session, and joining Naegi-kun and the rest of her classmates for the picnic they had been postponing for around a week now because of her. _Well no,_ she thought as she mentally corrected herself, _it wasn’t because of me. It was because of what happened to me. And it wasn’t my fault I reacted this way._

Mukuro sighed as she nervously paced around the waiting room. She wasn’t sure she really believed it wasn’t her fault, but she and Gekkogahara-san had been working on making her understand that it had been okay for her to not be able to control her fear of Kamukura – she was having a hard time agreeing with that. She knew people didn’t choose what or who they feared, but she still thought that your average person had some sort of control over their reactions. She’d had known of that. And even though it’d now been a full week of discussing it in therapy, she hadn’t stopped feeling responsible for what had happened. And she was ashamed – ashamed that she could have been so scared, and ashamed that she couldn’t see things the way her therapist wanted her to.

On top of that, the idea of having to start group therapy today made her feel uncomfortable. It was already hard enough for her to share her genuine feelings when she was alone with Gekkogahara-san. Adding a few extra people sitting with her in the office would only make it more complicated, she knew it. And yet, when her therapist had suggested it, she’d agreed to it. She’d agreed to it because she’d been afraid it would only disappoint her and make her want to stop trying to help her if she said no.

So here she was, guilt-ridden and waiting for something she was dreading to finally start so she could just get out of here as fast as possible and focus on what she’d be doing tonight. She was actually looking forward to spending time with her classmates, even if she knew she and Naegi-kun wouldn’t be alone – even if Kirigiri-san would be there as well. For some reason, she wasn’t afraid of the cold detective’s reaction. They’d never been friends, but she knew the other girl wasn’t one to be hostile towards others. She was just distant, and Mukuro did not mind that. The only thing that did bother her was how close she was to Naegi-kun, but she was confident enough in how close they’d grown ever since Junko died that she was even considering confessing tonight.

As the Ultimate Soldier was about to think of what she’d tell Naegi-kun during her confession, someone walked into the waiting room. Mukuro turned towards them as soon as she heard footsteps, only to be overridden with guilt as soon as she could make out their face.

_Mitarai-kun, huh?_ _I guess him ending up here with me goes to show not everyone here has Ultimate Luck._

The frail, pale, blond boy didn’t seem too happy to see her either. He made sure to not take a second glance at her and sit on a chair that enabled him to not have her in sight. She understood his reaction – she knew what she and Junko had done to him, after all – and didn’t exactly feel hurt by it, but she felt the urge to apologize to him. In the grand scheme of things, he’d been entirely innocent and had only happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, after all.

She took a deep breath and hesitantly moved towards him but was stopped in her tracks by Gekkogahara-san opening the door to her office.

“Glad to see both of you are already here!” Usami excitedly said as she gestured for them to come inside the office. “Tsumiki-chan and Komaeda-kun should be here soon, but it’s nicer to wait in the office than in the boring waiting room, isn’t it?”

Mukuro’s stomach turned as she realized what the group therapy session really meant. She would have to sit with people she’d hurt for Junko for around an hour or so and talk to them about her feelings. What on earth was Gekkogahara-san thinking?

She sat on the armchair that was closest to the door, while Mitarai-kun picked the one that was the farthest from her. The whole situation confused her. She couldn’t begin to understand why Gekkogahara-san would do this to any of them. She was the Ultimate Therapist – surely, she knew that having to spend time with some of her former victims in such a private setting would make her feel horrible. Besides, despite the fact she didn’t have all her knowledge, the fact Mitarai-kun, Komaeda-kun and Tsumiki-san would be scared of her didn’t seem like an overly complex idea to Mukuro.

Ten minutes passed, during which the room was filled with an extremely awkward silent that only served to make Mukuro more and more confused about what would be happening here today with every passing seconds, before Komaeda-kun and Tsumiki-san finally arrived.

“S-sorry t-to keep you w-waiting,” the Ultimate Nurse said, bowing down. “K-komaeda-kun got h-hurt on th-the way so I-I—”

“Now, now, it wasn’t that bad Tsumiki-san,” Komaeda-kun calmly explained, patting his classmate’s shoulder before sitting down on the armchair that was next to Mukuro. “Plus, the construction worker that hit me accidentally dropped some change, look how lucky I am!” He beamed, proudly holding up what seemed to be too large of a sum of money to just be casually dropped on the ground.

Mukuro sighed. This definitely wouldn’t be an easy therapy session.

“Now that you’re all here, I suppose we should get started!” Mukuro focused on Usami’s words and movements. “I know you’re probably wondering why I gathered the four of you here. You’re also probably thinking this was a terrible i—”

“I don’t,” Komaeda-kun protested, interrupting the therapist, and making Mukuro wonder if he also behaved like this during his individual therapy session. “I think it’s so wonderful that you’ve gathered all of us in that same room. After what happened to us, we’re most definitely fit to be the steppingstones to such a bright hope. I can’t even begin to imagine what wonderful things will come out of this therapy session! Gekkogahara-san, I am incredibly grateful to you for this opportunity.”

Mukuro rolled her eyes and smiled to herself when she realized that Mitarai-kun had the same reaction. At least, she wouldn’t be the worst part of the therapy session for everyone. Komaeda-kun was here.

“That’s interesting, Komaeda-kun. Some type of hope could be born from this. Maybe not in the way you expect, but there should be something coming out of his,” Usami kindly explained.

“Why?!” Mitarai-kun suddenly spoke. “Why are we pretending like she isn’t here? Why is she even here? Nothing good can come out of this since she’s going to be with us the whole time!”

Mukuro frowned. She hadn’t expected to receive any kindness from him, but there was still something about his words that hurt her. She understood that he didn’t like her – he had no reason to like her, anyway – but she sensed immense pain in his anger, which only served as a reminder of the guilt she’d experienced when he had first arrived.

“Ikusaba-chan,” Usami called, “do you have anything to respond to this? Any idea why I asked you to be here?”

“I… I think I… I’m here because I’m terrified, too.” Usami nodded, encouraging her to keep going. “My… My biggest fear isn’t your reactions to seeing me, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t fearing them. Still, I… I understand them. I understand why Tsumiki-san hasn’t said a word since she saw me. I understand why Mitarai-kun is so angry at me. I also understand that right now you don’t even want to be listening to me. I… I wouldn’t want to be listening to _him_ either if he was here.”

Mukuro paused to think of what to say, and the room remained entirely silent. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her, waiting for her to say more. She knew she had to keep going. She couldn’t stop there. She simply didn’t want to say the wrong things – she felt like if she did this properly, maybe she could help them realize that she was just as weak as they felt, and that they didn’t have to fear her anymore. She finally understood what Gekkogahara-san wanted from this, and why this had been an excellent idea.

“I’m sorry,” she eventually said. “I never thought I’d actually say this, but I am so terribly sorry for what happened to you guys. A few months ago, I thought I’d never regret any of what I did but seeing all three of you here makes me realize that I do. I regret listening to her and doing everything she wanted from me. This doesn’t take away what happened, and it doesn’t make up for what I did either, but even if I truly believed it was the right thing to do at the time, I now wish I had never done any of this.”

She stopped talking again as she felt warm tears roll down her cheeks. She hadn’t expected herself to cry during this session – she had assumed that because it wouldn’t be just her and Gekkogahara-san, things wouldn’t get as emotionally intense as they usually did. And yet, she’d been wrong. She was used to being wrong now, and she definitely did not mind it.

“It’s been difficult for me to deal with all these things, but I still don’t think I can imagine how tough it’s been for all of you,” Mukuro continued after wiping the tears away. “Mitarai-kun, we… We took what you loved the most and turned it into what you never wanted it to be. We used that on your classmate and teacher, and we had plans to do much worse than that. I have no idea how it impacted you, but if you’re here, it means it broke something inside of you. And I’ll never forgive myself for this.”

She glanced at him, and he looked like he was about to respond. She wondered if she’d done things right but considering that Gekkogahara-san wasn’t typing anything to make Usami take part in what was going on, she assumed things would be okay.

“I h-hated you for a while,” Mitarai-kun suddenly said. “I hated the fact that they kept you alive even if they knew everything you’ve done. I hated that, although I could tell you were opposed to her getting more people involved in your sick plans, you never worked up the courage to tell her to leave me alone. But I… I think I hated myself, too. You watched my anime, but it didn’t stop you from siding with her. It didn’t have the effect it should have had, and it made me feel like a failure. I couldn’t protect myself or anyone. It was easier for me to tell myself that I hated you than to admit I had also failed. I was also a coward through all of it. But I… I forgave myself, and I think I can forgive you now. We were all doing our best. You should forgive yourself, too.”

“Thank you, Mitarai-kun. I’m really glad you came here today.”

Mukuro and Mitarai-kun smiled at each other, which made her feel better. It didn’t have the same effect as Naegi-kun’s smiles or presence, but this definitely was enough for her to keep apologizing and talking to the people around her.

“Tsumiki-san, we brainwashed you and tried to hurt the people who were coming to save you. I have no idea what happened to you after that, but I imagine that people around you stopped looking at you the way they used to. I imagine it made you feel like you were out of touch with all of them, as if you were an entirely different person, and for that I’m sorry. I don’t know what we would have done to you if Munakata-san and Sakakura-san hadn’t barged in the room on that, but I know it wouldn’t have been pretty to see. And I genuinely want to apologize for this. I hope you’re doing better.”

“Th-thank y-you, I-Ikusaba-san…”

Mukuro looked at her, and even though she definitely looked as though some damage had been inflicted on her, she could tell that she was genuine. She was giving her a faint smile, but it was there. Mukuro smiled back at her, thanking her for coming to today’s therapy session despite how hard it may have been.

She then turned to Komaeda-kun, unsure what to say to him. She hadn’t interacted with him much – he’d only spent a few hours with her and Junko – but she was under the impression that what had happened hadn’t affected him as much as it had affected the others. This didn’t mean that it hadn’t done anything to him at all, but that she was having a harder time pinpointing what the effects may have been because her upperclassmen had always tended to be… Well, a little strange. She had never found out why, but she knew long tirades about hope and steppingstones like the one he had started at the beginning of the session were quite usual coming from him.

“No need to apologize to me, Ikusaba-san,” the white-haired boy suddenly said, making Mukuro realize that she had been staring at him without saying anything for far too long. “Trash like me isn’t worthy of an apology coming from someone as wonderful as you. Besides, it’s all given me the opportunity to see all your hopes bind together today, and it’s been such a great experience!”

“Komaeda-kun, please… Please understand that you aren’t worthless. Your luck is probably what saved us on that day. It’s what saved you when Kamukura tried to shoot you, but who’s to say that Sakakura-san wouldn’t have let Junko’s blackmail get to him if you hadn’t been with us? I can’t let you say you don’t deserve an apology for what happened to you on that day… You… No one dragged you there like the others were, but it almost got you killed. And you’ve seen things that you shouldn’t have seen. For that, I’m sorry.”

There was another pause during which no one spoke – not even Komaeda-kun. Mukuro wondered if she’d hit the right spot when talking to him. In fact, she hoped she had.

Usami suddenly broke the comfortable yet heavy silence that had fallen over the room, clapping.

“Wonderful job, everyone! I’m sure this has helped you see that none of you deserved what happened to you because of Junko, and that none of you were truly responsible for it. You all had your reasons to react the way you did, and this is what I wanted you all to show each other. I’m really proud of all of you for staying here in spite of how emotionally-charged the things that were said were!”

Mukuro looked at everyone and noticed that, just like her, they were all smiling. What had happened today had given her more strength than she had first assumed it would. But strength wasn’t the only thing it had given her. It’d also given her hope – hope that things could change; hope that she could, regardless of everything she did in the past, help people; hope that people could see a good person in her. And for that reason, when Mitarai-kun suggested they have more group therapy sessions together, she agreed to it, along with Tsumiki-san and Komaeda-kun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week's chapter will be the long awaited picnic! Will Mukuro confess to Makoto? If she does, will it go well? Stay tuned to find out ;)


	9. The day she took control over her life, for good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so, sorry for how late this chapter is. I've legitimately had a lot going on irl (as some of you know my cat got sicker than he was last time I updated this - but he's better now, thank god! - and uni is still kicking my ass) so I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with the weekly updates after all. You guys are always super lovely to me when I apologize about such silly things, so I know it won't really be a problem if I can't, but I'll try to stick to a weekly schedule as much as I can. And if I can't, well, you guys will have to be patient ;)
> 
> Aaaaahhh, this chapter was so hard to write no matter how excited I was for it, so I hope you like it.
> 
> Also as always, I apologize for any mistakes I may have left despite the editing because well, your girl still doesn't have glasses and she's not trying to kill her eyes, lol.

Mukuro stood in her dorm room, silently freaking out. Sure, group therapy had lifted a huge weight off her chest, but it had not rid her of her feelings for Naegi-kun – she was still nervous about the picnic and her planned confession. She had no idea what to wear, how to approach him when all their classmates would be there, or how to even tell him how she felt. This wasn’t the type of concern she’d ever had before, so she had no idea _what_ she was supposed to do or _how_ she was supposed to do it. She took a few steps to stand in front of her closet, sighing deeply as she examined its content.

_I really am a poor excuse of a girl. Junko was right_ , she thought, noticing that the only outfit she owned that would be fitting for a date was her school uniform. She knew it wasn’t entirely healthy for her to base her judgment on what her sister used to tell her, but given the current situation and the amount of stress she was experiencing, she decided not to beat herself up over it. Besides, the articles of clothing she owned really weren’t the most feminine options out there. Having no other choice, she opted for her uniform. Everyone would be joining each other right after class, so it wouldn’t stand out too much.

Once she was done changing, she walked into the bathroom and looked at her reflection in the mirror. With the frequency of her hanging out with Naegi-kun increasing over time, it had become one of her habits. She always wanted to make sure that she didn’t look too messy regardless of what she may have been doing before seeing him. Taking extra care of her appearance had been a nice change in her daily life. She still wasn’t sure how to style her hair or how to do makeup but taking care of herself in such a way – and with Naegi-kun in mind – felt good.

_Yeah, Junko was wrong after all. I can be feminine if I want to. I’m just not like her – and I don’t wanna be like her._ Mukuro smiled to herself as she worked the comb through her short black hair. _I don’t need makeup. I don’t need a specific outfit that makes me look like someone I’m not. If thing worked out during the group therapy session, it’s because I stayed true to myself. I managed to be genuine and let them know how I really felt. And it… it helped. If I can do that with Naegi-kun, it will all be alright._

Taking one more glance at herself, Mukuro grinned and raised two fingers up in peace sign. She would be okay; she no longer had any doubts about it.

* * *

On the way to join her classmates at the meeting point Naegi-kun had texted her about five minutes earlier, Mukuro’s stomach was tied in knots. She wasn’t sure how she’d suddenly lost all the self-confidence she’d gathered when she was standing in front of her mirror, but it had happened, and she had to deal with it. No matter how badly she wanted to turn away and go back to her dorm room, she knew she owed it to herself to spend time with her classmates and _finally_ confess to Naegi-kun.

Getting closer to the spot, she tried to remember the breathing exercises she’d been practicing with Gekkogahara-san, hoping they would help her relax. Unfortunately, her mind was racing, which made it impossible for her to even remember how she was supposed to breathe in order to calm herself down, if only slightly. Despite that, she kept walking. Even though every step she took towards her destination made her feel even more anxious than the previous one, she kept her goals in mind. She wouldn’t run away.

She’d spent all her life running away, after all. She’d run away from everything _she_ had always truly wanted, all for the sake of Junko. She’d followed orders, like a good little soldier, thinking that this was what she was supposed to do. But this had ended. This wasn’t who she was anymore. And having this little picnic with her classmates was yet another proof of that. She could do anything she wanted. No one could hold her back – not even her own worries and insecurities.

Eventually, she was able to spot them. Naegi-kun waved at her, making her speed up. If he’d managed to notice her from afar, it could only mean that he had been waiting for her to arrive, and the thought made her happy. He wanted to see _her_ , although everyone was already there, and he could have been distracted by his conversations with them. She couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

It’s with her heart racing in her chest that Mukuro greeted her classmates. To her surprise, no one responded in a cold or hostile way. Instead, they all seemed fairly happy to see her. She smiled at everyone and sat down next to Naegi-kun, unsure what to do next.

“So,” Asahina-san started. “what’s been up with you Ikusaba-san?”

“Huh?” Mukuro was surprised anyone would be asking her such a trivial question. Although she hadn’t been too scared of them because she’d learned how to deal with such things in the past few months, she had expected questions about her sister and her involvement with her plans.

“Now, now, I think it’s best if we let Ikusaba-san adjust to being around this many people. It has been a while since she’s last attended class,” Naegi-kun said, making Mukuro realize that she may have been staring silently at the ground for a little too long.

“No, no, it’s fine, really! I uh… I’ve been going on runs and walks a lot at night,” Mukuro nervously explained. “Naegi-kun has been spending a lot of time with me as well, which is quite nice.”

“It’s so cool that you’ve been keeping up with exercising despite everything that’s happened to you!” Asahina-san beamed. “Maybe you should join me and Ogami-san for a run someday!”

“Y-yeah, sure…”

Having to engage with her classmates in such a way, Mukuro realized that she didn’t enjoy being the center of the attention like this. She was grateful for the fact that Asahina-san was so friendly towards her, but she wasn’t sure how to respond to it. Besides, she could feel Togami-kun staring her, and with every passing minute, it made her feel even more uncomfortable.

“Is no one going to address the elephant in the room?”

Mukuro looked at her classmate. _Here we go,_ she thought. _Well, at least he’s doing it now and not while everyone is chatting about sweet nothings._

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, do you really want to have your work-out sessions with a mass murderer? I knew you were not the smartest person in our class, but to invite her and put yourself and your best friend in such a risky situation is nothing short of absolutely idiotic.”

“Toga—,” Naegi-kun started, only for Mukuro to interrupt him.

“It’s okay, Naegi-kun. I understand that some of you may not feel safe around me. If I were in your position, I would feel the same,” she explained, thinking about her own reactions upon seeing Kamukura.

“If I may,” Ogami-san spoke. “I do not believe any of us really feel that way, Ikusaba-san. It is true that you have done horrible things. Do not think I am ignoring them. But I strongly believe you had your reasons. Besides, Naegi-kun has told us that you regret what you have done. And for that reason, I and many others are willing to give you a second chance. There is no need for you to think that we do not trust you.”

“Thank you,” Mukuro replied after taking a few moments to process what the martial artist had just told her. “I’m really grateful for this.”

“We’re all grateful that you came,” Naegi-kun added, making Mukuro blush and sigh in relief.

“Well, does anyone want to eat? I’m starving!”

* * *

The rest of the evening went fairly well, despite a few snarky comments from Togami-kun, which everyone ended up ignoring after a while. It was now getting late, and everyone seemed to be ready to head back to their dorms for the night, but there was one more thing Mukuro wanted to do. The way everyone had been treating her had reassured her, but this wasn’t enough. She still needed to confess to Naegi-kun, regardless of how awkward it may be.

“Naegi-kun,” she said softly, nervously glancing at him. “Will you, um… Walk with me?”

“Is everything okay?”

“Y-yes! It’s just that there’s something I want to talk to you about and uh…” Mukuro chuckled at her inability to find the right words. “I guess it’s kind of important and—”

“I understand,” he reassured her, gently patting her shoulder.

The two of them waved everyone goodbye and walked away. Mukuro swore that if her heart could beat any faster, it would have killed her right here and then. But she couldn’t let herself down. She had to tell him now, or she never would. And if she didn’t, someone like Maizono-san or Kirigiri-san would probably have the courage to do it and ruin whatever chances she may have. It was now or never.

They eventually reached the fountain, and Naegi-kun sat down on one of the benches that were in front of it. Mukuro sat next to him and closed her eyes, thinking that this was even harder than what she had imagined. She had always thought that once she would finally set her mind to it, the words would naturally and smoothly come out of her mouth, and that she’d be ready to hear his answer, regardless of what it would be. But sitting here next to him, knowing that she was about to possibly ruin the friendship they had built over the past few months made everything different. She was still excited to find out what his response would be – to find out if he felt the same – but she was terrified at the same time.

_What if he says no? What if he was just being a good friend this entire time and I read too much into what happened during the picnic? What if I embarrass myself so much that he never wants to spend time with me again? What will I do? Will he tell the others about this? And if he does, will I be able to face them despite the embarrassment of having confessed to someone who never even liked me to begin with? Is it really okay for me to tell him about this; to even feel this way about him?_

Pushing all her worries aside, Mukuro took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak. The more she waited, the worse things were getting. She had to get it out of her system _now._

“Listen, I—”

“It’s okay, Ikusaba-san,” Naegi-kun said. “Whatever it may be, you can tell me.”

“I know. You… You’re a wonderful friend, Naegi-kun. You’ve helped me see more good in people than I ever did in a time when I was… I was at my worst. And I’m forever grateful to you for this,” she said, staring at her shoes. “I… I don’t even know what I would have done if you hadn’t reached out to me, you know? I mean, sure, therapy is helpful, but you’ve shown me things that Gekkogahara-san can’t. Because you’ve been so _nice_ to me, regardless of everything I was telling you, when you didn’t even have to. I just… Okay, you’re going to think I’m crazy but—”

“I won’t, I promise! I’m sure you told me much crazier things the first few times we hung out.”

He laughed, giving Mukuro the strength she needed to look at him. It would be okay. She could do this.

“I like you, Naegi-kun,” she finally said, thankful for the fact that how dark it was outside was most likely hiding the bright shade of red her face had turned. “I don’t mean as a friend… I mean I… I like you as more than a friend. I’m not sure how this happened and I’m sorry if this isn’t something you want but—”

“I know, Ikusaba-san,” Naegi-kun gently replied, placing his hand on top of hers. “I’ve known for a few weeks, but I wasn’t sure you were ready for anything like this, so I decided to wait. Maizono-san was the one who told me this was probably the best thing to do, given everything that’s happened to you, even if I’ve been feeling the same way all along.”

“So…”

“I like you, too, Ikusaba-san.”


	10. The day she trapped herself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are back! Thank you for your patience and all your comments and kudos. And as always I'm sorry if the editing was sloppy - I finally saw an eye doctor earlier this week and got a prescription for glasses but I won't be getting them for a few weeks because I am still on my mom's health insurance card, which is obviously in my home town, and what with the lockdown in my country I can't exactly go there lol. But at least this is almost fixed, thank God!
> 
> I think this chapter may be triggering for some but I'm not sure. As in there is no gore or abuse or anything, but if you've been in that situation before it might be. I'm honestly not sure and I'm not sure how to put the warning without spoiling the chapter so I apologize if this hurts any of you. Know it was not my intention.

Dear me,

I haven’t written in a while – there has been quite a lot happening that just left me too tired to write about it. Besides, I haven’t really felt the need to write recently either. I guess it means I’m getting better? I’m not sure. I don’t see Gekkogahara-san as much as I used to either. I now have two sessions of therapy per week instead of one every two days. One is group therapy with Mitarai-kun, Tsumiki-san and Komaeda-kun. The other is an individual session. I don’t know if I still need the individual sessions if I’m honest. I don’t really like how Gekkogahara-san seems so…. I’m not too sure how to put it into words, but it seems to me that she thinks my relationship with Makoto is a bad idea, when in reality, it’s helped me a lot. Our relationship and group therapy have been a breath of fresh air in my life. I have never felt this appreciated, understood, and cared for in my life. I think I enjoy it.

I started going back to class last week as well. I got closer to Ogami-san, which was quite surprising to me. I never thought much of her back when Junko was still alive. Besides, she seems so close to Asahina-san that I would have never imagined that she’d want to be friends with me. I’m not as bubbly as her, or as fun to be around. But I suppose she enjoys our silent sparring as much as I do. I’m also glad this doesn’t have to be one of these girly friendships in which we’re supposed to talk about boys and girly things like whatever Maizono-san was trying to create between us. I understand that she’s really close to Makoto, but we’re so different that it couldn’t have worked out. At least Ogami-san and I have a lot in common, even if we don’t talk that much when we spend time together.

So really, life has been good. This is one thing I couldn’t see myself writing when Junko died, but here I am. I look forward to each new day, even if some of them don’t go as well as planned. And it’s different from the way things used to be. And I like it. This is another thing Gekkogahara-san doesn’t seem too convinced about.

To be entirely honest, I decided to take a little bit of time to write today to get this off my chest. I don’t know what has been up with Gekkogahara-san recently. Up until I confessed to Makoto, she was extremely supportive of me and always encouraged me to do things. Now, she asks a lot more questions than she used to, as if she were questioning whether I’m lying to her. The thing is, I’ve never lied to her, and I didn’t start doing anything like it recently either. I’ve always felt as though therapy was the one spot where I could be completely honest regardless of how irrational my mind was, and I treated it as such. So, I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I don’t know if I should care about it either.

Deep down, I know it’s wrong. I know it’s changed something in the way I interact with her and in the way therapy helps me. It’s stopped helping me ever since things changed. But maybe I’m just overthinking all of this. After all, it’s possible that my support system has just become so good outside of therapy that I just don’t need it anymore. The thing is, it’s hard for me to bring it up to Gekkogahara-san. Every time I’ve made progress and we had to adjust the way she works with me because of it, she was the one who told me change needed to be implemented. She has never hinted at the fact that I may no longer need therapy. So, it probably means that I still need it. I’m just not seeing any benefits of it anymore.

Maybe I should get another therapist. I don’t know. I think it would be hard for me to open up about everything that I went through because of Junko to someone else. Gekkogahara-san knows me and she… Well, she’s the one who brought about all the progress that enabled me to have the strength to confess to Makoto and have a healthy relationship with him. It’s just all so confusing.

I tried to talk to Makoto about this and he told me that I was probably just overthinking. The more I write the more I think that he might have been right. It’s like on the first day I went back to class and thought he was just too close to Kirigiri-san for it to be normal. I kept thinking that he didn’t really like me and wanted to be with her instead, and we almost had a fight about it, but it was all just me overthinking. I guess that after everything that’s happened to me it’s a little hard for me to really trust people, no matter how great they are. If I could do this to Makoto it’s possible that I am doing the same thing with Gekkogahara-san now. It’s probably all in my head. I’m just not convinced by it.

* * *

Mukuro slammed her pen onto her desk in frustration and sighed. She couldn’t understand why that journal entry had been so difficult to write when words used to flow so smoothly from her mind to the paper. She rubbed her eyes and laid her head against the soft, leather cover of her journal.

 _What is wrong with me?_ She thought, as she reached for her phone to check if Makoto had replied to her last text, only for her mood to sink further when she noticed that she had no unread messages. _Just what is going on this week? And why isn’t he talking to me?_

She took another glance at her phone and ran her fingers across the screen to open her conversation with Makoto. He had last talked to her over an hour ago, which was quite unusual. Ever since they’d confessed to each other, they had been texting each other during every moment they couldn’t physically spend together. She’d enjoyed that more than anything – he always seemed to be available, and when he wasn’t going to be, he would tell her. It had genuinely been comforting for her, knowing that someone was so easy to reach if she needed anything, and that that person enjoyed their conversations.

She carefully read the last few texts they’d exchanged, attempting to figure out if she’d done something wrong that would have made him mad at her. Yet, there was nothing out of the ordinary. She’d woken up, texted him good morning just like she usually did, they’d asked each other how they were feeling – the usual.

Her mind was going in circles. She needed to understand why he hadn’t talked to her in what felt like an extremely long period of time. She needed to know what was going on so she could fix it – so things could get back to normal, with Makoto talking to her and making her feel important, cared for, and loved. She needed this. Why wasn’t he giving that to her? What had she done that was making him take that away from her?

 _Kirigiri-san._ Mukuro bit her lip, feeling her stomach turn. _Makoto is probably hanging out with Kirigiri-san, for what— no, this doesn’t make any sense. Whenever he has plans with any of his friends, he tells me. Why would it be any different with_ her _?_

_Because she is different, isn’t she? She’s so intelligent and kind, and her work as a detective is so impressive. She brings the truth to the families of the people I kill, doesn’t she? And that makes her so much better than me – so much more normal to be around._

Mukuro’s vision got blurry as tears began rolling down her cheeks. Her shaky breathing made her sob like never before. She was confused – confused by the fact her boyfriend was ignoring her out of nowhere; confused by her own reaction to it. Her trembling hand reached for her phone again as she tried to calm herself down.

 _Maybe it isn’t that bad,_ she told herself with every failed attempt at controlling her breathing. _Maybe he just forgot to reply to me. He can be so absent-minded sometimes, right? I’ll just… I’ll just send another text to ask if he’s okay and what’s doing or something like that. Yeah, it’ll be okay like this. He doesn’t have to know what just happened. It’s okay. Yeah, I’m fine. I’m alright._

Once she had sent the text, she decided to ignore her phone for a bit, if only to stop herself from going crazy while waiting for Makoto’s reply. She stepped into the bathroom, thinking she would shower now. This would definitely give her enough time to respond, and she’d have something to do that wasn’t just sitting on the edge of her bed while obsessively checking her phone. _Two birds with one stone!_

However, when she finished drying herself and putting on clean clothes, she still had no new message from Makoto. So, she sent him another text, telling him that she was worried something was wrong and that he could talk to her if he needed. She then decided she’d get breakfast, if only to pass the time until he’d finally reply, but that wasn’t enough either – which made her send a third text, in which her tone had shifted from worried to annoyed. Still, she asked him if he wanted to hang out with her this afternoon.

And five more minutes passed, then ten, fifteen, thirty, and another hour, during which she received no text or call from her boyfriend. She tried to call a few times, but he never picked up.

Mukuro felt more distressed than ever before. She felt stuck in her own head, as though nothing could distract her from the fact Makoto suddenly was unreachable. She _wanted_ to be able to go about her day like she usually would despite the fact that he wasn’t picking up her calls or answering her texts, but nothing seemed to make her snap out of it. She needed to know that he still loved her, that he wasn’t mad at her, and that everything was okay between them. It was the only thing that could have possibly helped her – she was sure of it.

She lied down on her bed and closed her eyes. Maybe she could nap. It would have been complicated for most people to fall asleep in such a state, but Mukuro had slept in tougher conditions when she was still in Fenrir. Yeah, she could do this. She’d just make her phone’s ringtone a little louder – loud enough to wake her up once Makoto would be free to talk and reassure her.

_I remember Junko telling me that she’d learned from Matsuda-kun that if you lay still long enough, your brainwaves go into sleep mode. If I just lay here and not move, just like I did when we were hiding from enemies back in Fenrir, I’ll fall asleep._

But she didn’t have time to fall asleep – her phone eventually rang, around four hours after Makoto had last texted her. She bolted up to grab it and pick up the call, without even checking who was calling.

“H-hey Makoto,” she said weakly.

“What’s wrong?”

Mukuro sighed in relief as she heard her boyfriend’s voice. He didn’t sound as upbeat as he usually did, but at least he was talking to her now – she would be able to fix whatever she messed up and that made him ignore her in the first place.

“I uh… Listen, I’m sorry for how much I called you I just thought you were mad and—”

“Mukuro.”

“Huh?”

“Do the things I usually say to you stop holding any meaning as soon as I’m gone?”

“Wh-what do you mean?” She anxiously asked. This really wasn’t what she was expecting from this call.

“It’s just that… That whenever I’m not as available as you’d like me to be you start assuming all these things about me, about us and I really wonder if—”

“I’m sorry, Makoto. I know you—”

“It’s just the second time you’ve done something like this this week,” Makoto said in a somewhat sad voice.

“I know, I’m really sor—”

“I know, Mukuro. I know you’re sorry.”

“I’ll try to do better next time but…” She paused. She wanted to ask him if he was with Kirigiri-san this whole time, but she didn’t want to make it more uncomfortable between them than it already was. Still, the thought wouldn’t leave her mind.

“No, I wasn’t with Kirigiri-san,” he replied, as though he was able to read her mind. “My sister just unexpectedly visited, and I haven’t seen her in so long, so I sort of, you know, forgot about my phone for a bit.”

There was another pause, during which neither of them spoke. Mukuro felt embarrassed, and stupid, for reacting in such a way when Makoto had only been hanging out with his sister – whom he had talked about many times before.

“By the way,” Makoto suddenly said, snapping Mukuro out of her thoughts. “I think it would be cool if you spent the afternoon with us. Would you like to meet us in the park?”

Mukuro’s face lit up as she heard these words.

“Yeah, I’d love to. Thank you for not holding what I’ve done against me.”

“It’s alright, we’ll talk about it when we’re alone, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you in a bit then!” Makoto excitedly said before hanging up.

Mukuro smiled. _Thank God, he’s so understanding and sweet,_ she thought as she rushed to the bathroom to fix her hair and try to hide the fact she’d been crying for most of the past four hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked the chapter!  
> I believe Mukuro's behavior may be abusive to a certain extent (she does not mean for it to be rest assured), and I wanted to point it out here in order to let you guys know that I am in no way, shape, or form, condoning her actions or giving her excuses. The girl needs therapy, obviously. I just want my portrayal of her to be as realistic as possible, so I can't just give her a smooth happy ending with Makoto (and I'm sure you guys expected that anyway).  
> I also don't think I'll be updating this next week because I will /try/ to take part in the Naegiri week challenge if I can find a bit of spare time to write for that (if not I'll just post my works for the challenge late hehe)


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